now that i'm in thailand i can think

sometimes you're in that shitty mood where you're emotionally and physically exhausted because you care too much about your job and what's left is lamb meat brain today. plus, you haven't showered in three days and you wear your hair in a bun hoping no one will notice the grease (you didn't have time to take a shower bc you wanted no less than 4 hours of sleep each of these last three days) and then you realize you haven't had anytime to feel anything or think about anything remotely close to yourself except in your attempt to try to do a few minutes of exercise a day.

and then you have inner dialogue that goes, "okay- i feel raw and rubbed down to only feel my most basic needs because i barely eat and sleep and now all i want to do is feel sad and take my head to place where it belongs: poetry."

this one, now that i am in madrid i can think by f. o'hara, makes me feel particularly at home inside myself:

I think of you
and the continents brilliant and arid
and the slender heart you are sharing my share of with the American air
as the lungs I have felt sonorously subside slowly greet each morning
and your brown lashes flutter revealing two perfect dawns colored by New York

see a vast bridge stetching to the humbled outskirts with only you
Standing on the edge of the purple like an only tree
and in Toledo the olive groves’ soft blue look at the hills with silver
like glasses like and old ladies hair
It’s well known that God and I don’t get along together
It’s just a view of the brass works for me, I don’t care about the Moors
seen through you the great works of death, you are greater

you are smiling, you are emptying the world so we can be alone together.

but you read it quickly and hang out with friends who don't talk about sadness because they value sarcasm more. you forget about all the sadness until you get home and finish those few minutes of exercise. and then you read the poem attentively with the kind of concentration it deserves.

you also recall hanging out with someone you didn't know that well in college recently in this new universe that you live in. it was so surprisingly nice. something about that- where you were, who you with, and what you were doing or maybe it's the overlapping history you share- allowed this really warm part of you to come out in way that convinces you that you haven't been yourself this whole time. the warmth of feeling comfortable in your vulnerability with someone that makes you question how much of yourself is really here. the feeling came with the complete disregard for my surroundings about as if i had been here for a long a time and it was so normal to see an old friend in a new city. or the fact i could tell someone that as often as there are amazing, life-changing developments here for me, i live alone in that experience. there's really no way to share it with anyone and i feel so sad that this is just how it is right now. i also told him that the guiding light for me here is how much i'm inspired the unwritten future of youths and how well they hold their own torches as they create these amazing paths.

a heavy work week. i came out alive though.

god bless the long weekend and all of the nothing i wish to do. there is such great joy in finding your mind walking in the dark.

what make of a man are you? what is your spirit held through? my spirit will be held by all of my lovers in my flowery bed. what makes the body be close?

i am still struck after watching a certain film. i've been trying to explain to everyone how it has affected me, but i can't do the impact justice. i hasn't been quite a week, but i think about the film all day long, replaying the very sad scenes of human relationships. on my last day of my accidental three day religious pilgrimage in chaiyaphum, sitting on a big tour bus back to bangkok, stuck in traffic and watching 21 firework shows and hitting one car during one of our three u-turns, i came up with an anecdote/answer that relieved me a little bit of the curse/blessing this film has given me: you need to find someone that you can call home. and then it totally makes sense to go to all the amazing/scary places that relationships go to. if you don't have that, then what do you really share? that was the only answer that made me feel better. and even then you don't always change together, grow together, at least there's a hope for respecting each other. that's the scariest thing about any kind of relationship- it's whatever chance there is to lose respect for one another- this applies to your work, your boss, your friends, etc. i like the idea of finding someone who embodies a home because i can't think of better metaphor for a person that just gets better and better with time.

on my pilgrimage, we walked three days straight. it happens once a year, for 8 days, in different rural provinces of thailand. we wake up at 4:45, pray and meditate until 8 am. pray some more and let the monks eat. walk with all of your belongings until 11 am where we pray before we eat and then walk until 4 or 5 pm. we don't eat dinner, just a hot herbal drink, or ovaltine. and then we meditate and listen to lessons for the day. and then off to bed in a tent.

my favorite part was seeing the agricultural/forest side on foot and visiting forest temples. if i stayed through the end of the trip, we would have landed at the big mama forest temple, but oh well, i was due back at work. there is one thing that i lost the chance the document which was a field of dragon fruit being propped by big upside down dead tree trunks. other than that, i think i took a few alright photographs. well, actually, you just don't know. they could all be horrible.

actually, my real favorite part was getting off the bus at 4:30 am, getting picked up by my friend's friend to take us to her hut in Tatton national park, where she works. we ride in the back of her pick up truck at 5 am, the start of the morning markets, and we're stopping for breakfast errands on the way to the national park. it's actually freezing, and absolutely dark except for our headlights and the stars and the wind is making my hair whip like crazy. we wake up and take another truck bed ride only now it's 7 am and i had gotten 2 hours of deep sleep and i'm happy to see this kind of golden light in the middle of young forest. i can identify cassava and rubber trees like the back of my hand now.

(it was an accidental pilgrimage because i thought it was a work trip. i guess my thai still isn't that good)

hungry

I'm thinking about three things.

a. i never want to be not living life, existing mindlessly, unaware of the god in all the small things . Even when I'm going grocery shopping, I want poetry to be running through my head.

b. the truth: i'm walking to my own beat. i'm too much of a coward to grow with anyone, to change with anyone. but, i will respect everyone.

c. a response a director had to working on a film/script for 12 years: "whenever you dream something up you’re walking a fine line between delusion and reality."

4. seeing others as a landscape: the heart on top of the montana mountain you must get to, who knows how long it'll take, you'll have to walk through all the flat lands and hills, it will be worth it. but when do you meet someone like this? i've been told apparently everyday

___________________
something i jotted down on my sky train ride home:

why my uncle is laughing severely:
day 1: i come to their house, bringing only a duffle bag of dirty clothes
day 1: i launder all of my clothes including the ones i wore to their house, leaving me to wear the clothes my mom left there
day 1: he says we can only go to a restaurant where the items are 60 baht or less because of the way i look
day 1: the dogs are barking at me because of the way i look
day 2: mom's clothes are dirty, so i wear my aunt's clothes, uncle says i look just like auntie, age and everything
day 2: the dogs are barking at me because of the way i look

it's a late night, purposely, at my aunt's house. i never get internet this good so i like to stay up and watch movies, and then after seeing a movie, i go to my teenage place. it's not a naive place, but it is young and crazy and completely emotional, you know, the Heart of the heart. i love that place. i cherish that place. it's a home i'll never leave behind, but i think it shelters all things untangible and not realistic but absolutely desirable (subjective). admitting that really screws with me because as much as i respect the ordinary, i prefer to dream and sometimes only see the dream in a way that makes me walk towards it. one day, i hope i can admit that it's no longer a dream and that i'm actually there.

although, i just had this moment that made me really sad and upset that a part of my life wasn't going to work out, but i think i just need to think about it differently. i guess i keep thinking that my fate might already be made and i'll have to sit in that sadness forever. but i think that's an easy way out, and i'm pretty sure either way it comes down the power of choosing. and also rethinking/reframing the situation. i'm also upset about something that hasn't even happened so what good does that really do me? i keep forgetting that i have a choice and choices are great. i want to know/feel my choices for the same reason buddhist monks do not wear shoes... for awareness (they would know if they stepped on a bug). too bad at this point it isn't even about the choice, it's about being patient.

do you know the difference between love and obsession? no

home from chonburi! back with the most amazing foods: nam prik (courtesy of the school hosting the event) and deep-fried, honey-fermented fingerling bananas! they are also known as "god helps the fried bananas". I also brought back a bunch of forest cuttings and seedlings with me (they were left over from the event)! Now I have plants at home! About 8 different plants, from forest bamboo to some hard to find hard hoods. I hope they don't mind living in the city with me. I am naming one of them Bo Thong after the district we visited. My boss is so lucky she had the space to take home a Lam Yai tree (one of the most delicious Thai fruits).

Highlights of the trip:
at least 3 awesome photographs from the trip
discovering these fried honey bananas
having QT time with my very cool boss and co-workers
seeing monocultures of rubber plants (thon yang para), eucalyptus (thon yuca), and sugar cane
seeing more of Thailand
the OK to do field research in a CF in Chiang Mai every month!!

A Nam Chiao villager hunting for duck shells, Trat, Thailand.

Yay! My first article!

And back to Chonburi this weekend for a Five Eastern Province Community Forestry Network meeting- so very excited.

yes. i can finally share new thailand photographs with you. spent the last three days scanning in 200 stills, about another 100 to go. it will be shared here: http://estallion.tumblr.com

i & you & is

feeling spiritual insomnia right now:

"Art is a mystery; all mysteries have their source in a mystery-of-mysteries who is love" (note the "who" denoting aliveness, as opposed to "which" denoting undeadness): "and if lovers may reach eternity directly through love herself, their mystery remains essentially that of the loving artist whose way must lie through his art, and of the loving worshipper whose aim is oneness with his god."

from estlin

the sweat rolls down my back

Today I realized my soul is dedicated to staying hungry. I know My soulmate will also be hungry.

I'm having a love affair with masters of poetry, like e.e. cummings, i thank You God...for everything which is natural which is infinite which is yes, (now the ears of my ears awake and now the eyes of my eyes are opened).

Like all matters of the Heart, you know when you find it, what you truly love.

I can't imagine a better way of spending my Saturday night: scanning negatives, seeing what has culminated from my time in south east asia. I did it! I accomplished mission film scanner today. I thought it would be impossible, but I did it and I bought it and I'm going to have the most self indulgent weekend working on what I love the most. And from here on out, I'll get to share my work with you and I'll never have to wait so many months to see all of my visual investigations.

also becoming obsessed with the whole world catalog. the real charm comes from a hard copy but a soft copy is good enough when im trying to get my hands on everything i can read. TWO things I learned today:

1. Everything is an experiment
2. Don't try to create and analyze at the same time. They're different processes.

octavio paz

Duration

"Thunder and wind: duration."
I Ching

I

Sky black
Yellow earth
The rooster tears the night apart
The water wakes and asks what time it is
The wind wakes and asks for you
A white horse goes by

II

As the forest in its bed of leaves
you sleep in your bed of rain
you sing in your bed of wind
your kiss in your bed of sparks

III

Multiple vehement odor
many-handed body
On an invisible stem a single
whiteness

IV

Speak listen answer me
what the thunderclap
says, the woods
understand

V

I enter by your eyes
you come forth by my mouth
You sleep in my blood
I waken in your head

VI

I will speak to you in stone-language
(answer with a green syllable)
I will speak to you in snow-language
(answer with a fan of bees)
I will speak to you in water-language
(answer with a canoe of lightning)
I will speak to you in blood-language
(answer with a tower of birds)

– translated by Denise Levertov

Courtesy, modesty, good manners, conformity to definite ethical standards are universal, but what constitutes courtesy, modesty, very good manners, and definite ethical standards is not universal. It is instructive to know that standards differ in the most unexpected ways. Franz Boas, M. Mead's advisor

I want to read Coming of Age in Samoa and Sex and Temperament in Three Primitive Societies
I also plan to go cave hunting in Thailand. Unsure of the date, but certain in absolute feeling that it will happen.
Leaving Pattaya today so I can wait in my own home for the floods to come. It's moving so slowly, but believe it or not, I miss city life.

Oh yes the most exciting news!!! Right before I left I took all my rolls of film to get developed, but then had to leave BKK. But the lab sent it to me so I got a package in the mail with lots of film developed! Ahhh! I couldn't have been happier to touch film, and see these images I've been waiting weeks to see. The only thing is I still don't have a scanner. So to actually share, you and I both have to wait.

i believe that art is a trade that take courage. it takes a kind of confidence to risk greater security (of all kinds) to search for a greater freedom for your mind and heart.

i feel like i know a slice of this, and i know it's the right direction because it feels absolutely right. i find courage and inspiration in the artifacts that are left behind, in the people that i've met, and in my own happiness. i've learned that self motivation never keeps you from learning. i'm learning about my craft, which has many manifestations including becoming a better person.

Everyone sitting around the tv watching the news- three different families and generations. We just finished dinner, a seven dish meal, typical of my life in pattaya. Oh great, thE news is pointing the area of my apt and how it will be flooded in the next few daysm. Three weeks ago I said I was more afraid of the roaches relocating to the second floor, my apt, than the flooding itself. I think that's changed since I've learned about how disgusting the water is.

Life in pattaya means working from in the meantime while the office is flooded. I get to look out at a beautiful beach with only a few boats that sleep on the sea. Prae and I have been swimming every evening and we'll eat fruit all day long. And when we are almost ready for bed we watch a movie or bbc's robin hood. Still living out of the escape bag, but it's far from bad here. I'm starting to miss all of my traveling work though.
Blood pressure is 93! Heart pulse 74!

flooding

2011
1942
so bangkok is on its way to being more flooded. no one trusts what the prime minister has to say on the issue because she's been mostly concerned with saving face while in burberry boots. you have people who are severely affected and those who are not. most people who could leave the city did, but there are some who just couldn't leave their homes, and so there they are on the second floor living off of the water and dry food they bought two weeks ago. some say that the govt' gave residents of BKK the long stick and the rural provinces the short stick (to prevent flooding in BKK, the gov't barricaded BKK from the floods but in consequence exacerbated the flooding else where since the water levels could not be relieved), but it seems as though, through all the panic, concern, and loss of faith, everyone has gotten the short stick.

some friends of mine fled to tokyo for the week and i was going to do the same until i reconsidered. it would be better to stay in the country to hear all of this information more or less first hand, and stay in touch with family and family friends near by so! i am in pattaya, a beach city two hours from BKK. quite the tinsel town: many phalang kee nok (bird shit tourists) with thai girls along their side. actually hundreds of them out on the street, two girls for every meter you walk, on the look out for some european, anglo saxon, chinese, japanese, indian, and so many others that come here for the sex tourism. it's quite despicable and as a result i wear jeans at the beach to make sure no one is confused about whether or not i am a call girl.

the traffic isn't usually as bad as this, but there are so many people who have come to pattaya because of the floods. i actually haven't seen that much flooding with my own eyes, only water levels up to 30 cm, but the footage on tv, which is always a little behind on what's really happening, is crazy. such fast flash floods, people living on their roofs, pets floating in buckets, and so many people getting sick, that's the worse part. it makes me wish i could actually do something. it's the first time i've had the thought "maybe i should have been a doctor." and if it's bad now, think about what these people will have when the all the water is gone? so little money, possibly no work, and food will be terribly expensive (so many food crops are ruined this year) following this aftermath. despite how tired my ears are (it's talked about every day at every hour) i can't turn my ears off to all that is going on.

The Most Amazing Kids Ever

This week began with food poisoning! Threw up all night, didn't sleep, forgot to pack my toothbrush, and went to work with messy hair and sunglasses. That morning, I really didn't think that leaving for Petchaburi for the Young Seedlings Network camp, a 5 day event bringing in young adults from over 20 different community forests, would be the most fun I've ever had, with the most amazing and brilliant kids I have ever met. I mean I don't think you could have called me human that day, but when I got most of my senses back I realized that this could easily be my favorite week out of the year.

To meet so many open hearted souls that are so acutely aware about their community, their lives, the kind of impact they have as individuals and as a community, it's just unbelievably inspiring. As Nueng, a new friend of mine, said to everyone there, "I've always thought there to be two kinds of people in the world- the first are just living on the planet, and the second kind are people who make the world turn. I always thought that as a writer I made the world spin, but after this week i couldn't be more wrong and jealous of all of you. you actually make the world spin. you actually make a difference." I'll never do justice in expressing the kind of community I was surrounded by. Despite the different situations or places these kids come from, you feel the intentions of all 40 people in the room because everyone cares so much about all of this and they share the same goal of learning from each other and learning about each other. They all want better lives for the people around them. Yes, it's a selflessness that is so rarely encountered in every day life.

If I left for America tomorrow, I would be happy. I feel like I've seen and have learned so much from the people here already and from the community forests. I have so much gratitude for my life right now that I just don't see anything changing that after this experience. Is it strange that I feel so grateful? I just feel like everything is different now. I was happy before I came here, but now I'm a different kind of happy. I'm a truer shade of blue than I was before.

if my internet was decent, I would find this photographer that I have once posted about. An image of a rain coated man in the northwest forest. a logging series, if i can remember correctly. it's in color, but after seeing this picture, I notice a nostalgia i have for black and white. i will be able to do it again, and i'll do it well, and share the most beautiful prints with you. my house will be covered in them and i will give them away as gifts. one to you and one to you. i will have a darkroom someday. i will, i will, i will.

days don't have that lonely gap anymore. i have friends. i have so many neighbors that i like. i can call them up and see what they're doing. none of them speak thai, but that's okay. the ones that i know are really great. i was so scared to look and seem american, but i am, i am thai-american. i realized that i won't get kidnapped or raped, as my mother and father had previously warned, as long as i am respectful and nice. and i can smile and just settle into myself again and not worry too much about subconsciously seducing someone to kidnap me for a million dollar ransom.

finally figured out my agenda for the next week. going to Petburi! then i'll have two days to myself. go out and shoot and visit one of my aunts, get my film developed. still need to buy a scanner.

Today I have to share something I saw in a film. A few scenes that completely moved me. It made my heart turn inside out, an amazing feeling that I feel so infrequently these days. That is my fault as I don't really take the time to indulge in such emotionally striking visual pleasures like I use to. OK:

1. An orangoutang looking so sad, near death, picked up by some local men in a recently cleared forest. It seems like maybe the orangoutang encountered some kind of an event that led to his current bad state. It is unclear if they are sympathetic, but two men shove the orang. into a duffle bag- he fits! I can't believe it. He looks smaller in the bag than when his arms and legs were loosey goosey all over. The next cut is to a scene where you recognize that you're seeing the inside of a dump truck, and they're driving on some terrible country road because the camera is real shakey. And then you notice the orang. in the duffle bag with just his head out, and he's barely conscious, eyes half closed, body limp and shaking with the terrible movement of the truck. His body is over rubble that was left in the back of the dump truck and it's just this for 3 minutes. You wonder if that's the last three minutes of his life.

2. A beautifully lit forest area. Ancient trees surrounding a man standing with a chain saw with what looks like snow, but isn't because there is nothing else that describes the tremendous beauty of gravity sometimes. what's falling in this entire scene is a million leaves, and each one flutters like eyelashes!

I had to do some research for a film festival we're having. Forest films to be exact. I look forward to about 3 of them, the rest are mind-numbing narration, or over zealous shots of nature in action. Sometimes what they capture is amazing, but a montage of dramatic events is just too much, and narration makes me feel like they think I'm stupid- they spell everything out. The films I'm most looking forward to are Green, Conflict Tiger, and Man of the Soil, but this all won't happen until Dec.

It's the weekend! I have a lot of things I'd like to work on, but I'll also need to be getting for my next trip for work. Not a community forestry (CF) this time, but an event with 40 kids who will be writing and talking about nature. It's basically like nature camp but for young adults. I'm really looking forward to it because I'll get a sense of what the take is on CF from a much younger demographic.

I am back from my first community forestry trip! We went to Pred Nai in Trat, the most Eastern province of Thailand. It's a well-known community forest, one that I've read about too many times, so it was absolutely amazing to see it in person and meet the community in a personal context. I'm hoping to do several more trips there to write about a "story of change" for work. I met great folks who work as participatory researchers there, and they have been such a great resource in learning about the current stage of mangrove management and the challenges these communities face. Yes, I couldn't be more rejuvenated from the trip! More proof that this is what I must be doing.

Oh a sickening experience though: I had to take some pictures with a digital SLR. I actually thought it was something I could get use to, but then there were a few other people who took along their SLRS. While it's totally cool that other people love photography, I witnessed a method of taking photographs I could never partake in- one that was without consciousness. I couldn't bare it! Too much flash! Too much continuous shooting! And at times it really stood in the way of having a personal experience of a place and other people. That's when I don't agree with it at all. That's not my practice.

I saw some amazing photographs at work today (yes, day one at dream internship)... they were of the most amazing places with the most fascinating things that I too would like to document. I feel so so lucky that my most recent thought out dream is coming true. Regardless if I'm granted a Fulbright, it was an unbelievably empowering process, which led me to this opportunity. You're really put under the pressure to think about what you want for yourself and to put those concepts into words that you believe in. If you can see that far, you learn how to make it happen. It's just so crazy sometimes that you can get exactly what you want. For the next year, I get to do exactly what my heart and mind desires. I'll be diving into community identity through the meaningful responsibility found in the practice of community forestry. Photographing and traveling- learning, learning, and learning.

Fulbright is due in exactly two weeks! I have a lot to shape up in that time. Studying Thai as well. I found a lovely, lovely, lovely language partner. Everyone at work converses in English, which is kind of a down side for my Thai, but maybe I can listen to the Thai radio as I work. My family is really happy for me and they agree that everything is looking up. I'm getting use to how long it takes to get everywhere and I'm understanding why people don't pass time with reading on buses. I would like to try, but it's not worth missing your bus stop and having to walk in the dirty, diesel heat. So to sum up my lyfe:

ROSE
dream internship
good fulbright interview (i think)
getting fat on good food (approx 2 kg!)

BUD
a year's swimming pass for 7 dollars!
traveling for work
traveling for fun
having frrrriends! (i think this can actually happen)
getting film developed

THORN
mosquito bites

I feel like this is the life I know: excited about everything that is coming forth. This familiar feeling is my home.

i have, in my head, a lot of mental notes that i want to remember and share with everyone, but i always forget. something about my uncle doing something very funny. or maybe something i saw on sky train? something about how horrible the flooding situation is in thailand? ah, i think i thought about my mom doing something funny, or something she would do on sky train and it made me smile very big and miss her terribly. and flooding is expected in bangkok this weekend. water washing down from the north.

killed a roach today. medium size. one less roach in this building!

the more i read thai, the better i feel about walking around this town. i also got exposed to some amazing old thai music. i think it's beautiful and the stories are so poetic, tragic, and romantic. such as one song, น้ำตาแสงไต้, tears of light, an inauspiscious love story about a soldier who rows a royal boat into land, breaking the the boat. such consequences result in death, but the king excuses him and the man returns to say that he must die for his wrong doing. it is the law and if the king lets him go, others will do wrong thinking they do not deserve to be punished. the king kills him and the wife, who honors this decision, but cannot help having a broken heart. it's about the splendor and sadness of her tears, which sheds like a candle burning in the night.

i think i would love thai poetry. if only i knew more vocabulary... i think my situation with my confidence in my command of thai is very similar to what i experienced with my english in middle school, and then later, art, in college. i didn't have enough of a vocabulary to talk about what i was thinking or what i was feeling. it's so frustrating knowing that something very deep in you cannot be reached and shared with other people. no one in my family sees the point for me to learn thai beyond simple conversation. they're incredibly discouraging about it, how it's a waste of money, but the purpose behind my interest in learning thai is beyond a quantitative result.

it's fascinating how as an individual you will consider how much you've changed or grown, but in the eyes of your family, they consider you exactly the same, as if you are just how are you.



ah i remember what it is i wanted to say: i washed my clothes by hand the other day, but i must have done something wrong because each piece smells like a different kind of curry.

wish i had a camera:

aunt in the mango tree with pink rollers in her hair. pruning by axing the lower branches that did not produce fruit this season. right up in the middle of the tree. woke up to the sound of this and went outside and she laughed hard when i asked her what in the world was she was doing.

i dragged all the debris to our very long compost yard. chilis are getting ready to pick. bright red meaning very, very spicy.

fulbright campus interview tonight. keeping awake with game of thrones. ready? hmmm, we'll see. the questions could be about anything so i am prepared with little bits of information about everything. thai events, us events, brazil events, uk events.

one banana left from the plume of 9 that we started with yesterday. all me. two and half of those bananas are equal to one american banana.

I'm still collecting

The memorable people for me represent that vast population of young and old of every hue and origin who gave up comforts and convention to answer their conscience, who are guided by their moral compass to difficult challenges and who are determined to make a difference. They lived in the real world and they took responsibility for it. They did not attach themselves simply to a virtual experience and find satisfaction in a search engine. They were boots on the ground, hands in the dirt, nights in scary places, healing and courageous. They stepped into the unknown and they made it more welcoming for the rest of us.

"certified family forests" are all over the country

It's so nice to learn about photographers you've never heard about, especially a classic like Eliot Porter. His brother is also an amazing painter. Their family owned a private island in Maine, which was an inspiring residency for their work.

Back at the aunt's for a couple days. Enjoying the fresher air. Cramming in a lot of Thai. Learning beautiful words like ความร่วมมือ, which means cooperation but translates more literally into joining of hands. Quite fitting isn't it? Then you have words like ชุมชน, which means community, but translates into crashing rally. Very ominous actually. I also like the word ทะเลทราย, which translates into sea of sand (desert)!

I'm feeling more confident walking around this town speaking Thai, but I think I got too cocky and confused the girls at 7-11 when I asked them about how I could add minutes to my phone. I later found out that you're actually suppose to say, how can I add money to my phone. In my walks about town looking for an air conditioning mechanic I came across the most amazing mini plaza. You can't tell that it's a plaza because the entrance is but a tiny walk way next to a coffee stand. At first I thought, wow, this coffee stand is very popular, and very deep.... so many people are disappearing back there. I walked by a second time and noticed a sign for GYM and YOGA and decided to run back there- THE BEST THAI VEGETARIAN FOOD EVER. They have an amazing variety and affordable selection of yummies, including fresh squeezed juices and a giant bag of juiced wheatgrass for a dollar. They have dessert stores, music classes, language classes, yoga classes etc. What I've described is actually known as the Banana Family Park!

I think I may have potentially made a friend down the street! He works at this restaurant I like to go to where there is always the owner, an old chinese lady, sitting out front and a very fresh lady chef. This potential new friend said, you're not Thai are you? I laughed and explain that I'm almost Thai because my parents are. He continued to say I look Japanese. This is often meant as a compliment because for some reason Thai people think the Japanese are better.

Dream Internship (still unofficial) wants me to be a journalist/social media correspondant as in speak to Thai journalists, be a kind of representative, or face for community forestry. Yikes. Thai can be broken down into five different registers/social contexts, only one of which can I actually speak (street/common Thai), the rest, formal, religious, rhetorical, and royal Thai I barely understand myself. This is to be discussed, but everything else about the job seems very worthwhile as it underscores exactly what I want to do in my Fulbright project. I am taking deep big breaths because I think I may have already screwed up my chances with Fulbright. I hope my hard work and references will allow them to show mercy on me.

Green Behind the Ears - Kay Ryan

I was still slightly
fuzzy in shady spots
and the tenderest lime.
It was lovely, as I
look back, but not
at the time. For it is
hard to be green and
take your turn as flesh.
So much freshness
to unlearn.

sometimes it's fascinating to try to remember what kind of pictures you took because when it's finally developed you can compare your ideas to what you actually got. sometimes you think you took the most amazing photograph, but your best photograph is the one you barely remember taking.

-two monkeys, a mama and a baby, tenderly hugging each other in a collage of forest trees
-a monkey butt
-rice terraces off of bud
-creepy plant heads in a tree at the temple
-a view of a volcano from the plane
-these amazing banana palms that grow in the shape of a fan
-an altar in a midst of tropical plants
-a view of the rice fields from the plane
-my mom doing her laundry while my brother drinks coffee
-the special lime tree my in aunt's backyard
-the monsoon, although i feel this is the least likely picture to turn out
-my aunt descaling fish, another picture that is least likely to turn out
-volcano lake agriculture!
-a big pile of red chili peppers and a naked baby next to it
-a very large ordained tree
-an even larger ordained tree
-buddhist monks hanging their bright orange laundry

discovering bits of new things everyday about life in bkk: today i went to the bangkok art and cultural center, which has a small and okay free art library. not that many great books, but a super quiet library (e.g. amazing for studying). a cool exhibit on asian masks and bunch of cool thai soft sculpture/textile artists as well. i established a relationship with the man i buy my grapefruit from every morning. he is very nice and works right next to sky train. i also ate noodles for all three meals today at different great places within a block of the studio. my first noodle dish was bahmee moo (egg noodle soup with pork), yen-tha-foe (thin noodles in red soup with crispy wontons, fish balls, and thai broccoli), and sen-lek-tom-yum (thin noodles in tom yum soup). i studied thai at a really pretentious bicycle coffee shop, but it had a cool pyramid bookshelf. oh yeah, and i've been terribly sick with some shit cold fever that won't go away, but this song really keeps me alive:

international identity

life is filling out. yesterday was day 1 at my studio followed by going to a v. good art opening and an opportunity to meet new people with international identities- mostly young thai-americans who have lived here or there, part time in america, part time not, and seemingly happy to be in thailand. but what's cool is that i got to see some of the city in a way that my parent's would never be able to show me. a neat mini bar which neighbors a thai roots isan dance hall record store which is underneath bkk's version of painted bird, only in a 70's, japanese room.

what soothed me the most was being in the art space. i was using a language that is universal and independent of thai and english. i was glad to put this sensibility to use as i've been so worried about whether i'll be thai or american, or if i can just convince people that i am not american here. i'm learning that there's no use and that it's actually impossible because of the way i think and because of what i'm interested in. my history supports my direction, and my direction, which i frequently forget when i'm not surrounded by the things and people that i love, is to do a photography project. is it sad that i am most driven when i am alone? i'm starting to think so. i'm starting to think that it's selfish, but that it's something i need to do today and for everyday for the next year. do things right the first time and you won't have to go back and do it again. if i don't, one day i'll be very disappointed that i didn't have the courage to live through an opportunity. i'm learning through family history that we, the srivijittakars, are very courageous.

I'll be making attempt #2 to go to the place that sells salad greens soon. Yesterday, my aunt and I tried to buy fresh soy milk, but the woman had sold out. I commented on how hard it was to make soy milk recalling the time my friend had tried to make it. She disagreed and here I am drinking fresh amazing soy milk that my aunt made. We would have had more than two big mugs of soymilk, but she was broiling salmon when half of the milk had boiled out of the pot. Tomorrow we're going to try again!

Going to an art exhibit on Thursday. Really excited to see some of Thailand's art world. On my own also. Another little step of independence!

"If anyone died, you could just throw them right in there," said by little girl shoveling grit in the alley. I was walking by the neighborhood swamp. She was with her mother and her older sister. Right next to the swamp was a field with six young bulls butting each other- a pair were really at it, and two men stopped to watch.

I walked two more alleys down to turn right onto a bigger road and a dark man was shepparding his 7 bulls via scooter. He stopped to lead them to grassy patches and across the way was a grilled chicken stand, not in business, with slabs of rock on the grill indicating they were closed. Next food stand over, there was a table with a sign beneath that said "Food made to order", but the dog sleeping on top of all it indicated that this establishement was also closed.

I passed the international school to get to the place that sells salad greens, but it was closed and then I walked back home.

"... development is motivated by the need to resolve conflicts between the information from new experiences, and existing ways of thinking. This can referred to as maintaining cognitive balance, or equilibrium, and the general process of development is called equilibration. The dynamics of this basic mechanism do not change: they operate in the same way from infancy through adulthood."

swollen toilet paper like swollen doors- very heavy humidity.

i had my first dose of swim, the meditative lap lane kind, for the first time in a long time. it felt so good to do it and be only a few feet from the beach. i went to go visit my cousin in pattaya. we ate a delicious lunch, but after a nap in the car, i woke up disappointed by a dry throat from too much MSG. i'm trying to recall the slang for it here, "pookie" or something like that. something close to the word Pikachu.

its two days short of a week since my family left and i'm starting to feel the bug that wants to be on my feet and alone e.g. moved into an apartment, going to the library to pursue independent research, break the ice with my american accented thai, and start a photo project. i can think of one that i can do in the city already. if it doesn't rain this weekend, i think that's what i'll do.

torrential down pour as usual right now. i wish i could record it. amazing stampede of nature.

Sunday is jam-packed all over. More importantly, everyone is in a good relaxed mood. Pa Pu, Pa Joy and I took the sky train to a boat bus to eat at Sizzlers and visit the grand palace and Wat Phra Keaw, which can be found on the other side of Chao Phraya, the river that runs through Bangkok. This ancient palace and Wat Phra Keaw were built when Rama I took the throne. The hand work and artisanal effort put into the structure and detail of the architecture is simply stunning and unforgettable- distinctly Thai. We only spent half an hour there, but it's certainly the kind of place you need to spend half a day at. I'm going to go back, and I'm going to make sure I see the EMERALD BUDDHA (its actually jade, and has been traced back to being made in India several centuries ago). I'm also obsessed with the offerings, melted candles, and beautiful prayers that can be found at the temple.
Despite all the amazing food here, there is a major shortage of raw foods in my diet. For that reason Sizzler was amazing. It's so hard to find, let alone eat appetizing salad greens that won't give you dysentery. It's just not done here outside of sizzler, unless you grow your own greens. I ate maybe 10 plates of this crazy spinach I had never seen before that had a pink center and one soft boiled quail egg.
On the way back, we took a two-rowed truck taxi to the flea market by Pa Pu's house. She told me that American thrift stores has ruined her flea market experience here. The quality simply isn't as good, and that vendors overcharge for anything worthwhile. Regardless, I thought it was amazing and we're going to go back next week. A very vibrant food market is part of the scene. I found this scary guy selling the most amazing vintage Lee button down shirts and high-waisted corduroys. I've been assuming that vintage is an overlooked style in BKK as everyone is mostly trying to look very modern. Time for dinner. 4 kinds of stir-fried mushroom!

Bali

I shouldn't have waited two days since my return to write about Bali. I can't share detailed moments, but a lot of snippets like:

sweet bungalows with hibiscus flowers treating every surface
guest houses smelled of burnt moldy sweet corn
flowers behind ears
devotional religious practice
ayam- chicken
ikan - fish
bebek - duck
goreng - fried
nasi - rice
potatoes are expensive
mangos are sour sweet
for men: the first child is named wayan, second child is named Made, third child is Nyoman, fourth child is named Ketut
the forest is so fucking beautiful
i could have passed as indonesian
everything is wrapped is banana leaf
the weather is amazing, perfect actually
crystal blue pools wherever we go
temples are part of everyone's home
rice on foreheads help pure the soul
my first sun burn
menjangan island
pastel green melon bread
volcano agriculture
scootering to the highest point
swim
swim
swim
kite fighting
men spending all day collecting stones for offerings at their temple
mom being funny 1000x
searching for DEWA
4 of us sharing two twin beds
waking up in front of the ocean
"continental breakfast" - two eggs any style, horribly stale white toast, the worst jam, and okay butter, sliced fruit, and OJ from fake concentrated concentrate
"indonesian breakfast" - friend rice with scrambled eggs on top
balinese cowboys
smile really big to save yourself from an awkward tourist situation
tell them its the last day of your trip and you only have 3,000 rupiahs left so that they will leave you alone
swimming under a giant, powerful waterfall
swimming over live coral and 200000 underwater species
tan
tan
tan
food
food food
GREATEST TIME WITH MY FAMILY


It's monsooning here. I mean, golf ball sized rain drops making dinosaur foot stomps. Took care of my nephews with my aunt and uncle. We went to their fitness club where the kiddies put on their puff puff yellows and floated about. One of them is very sensitive about his ears and covered them the whole time. So not pragmatic! He cries when you try to convince him that he'll have more fun if he didn't do that. The other one peed while sitting on my uncle, so that they both look like they peed themselves. Eating so well as usual, some broccoli shrimp medley and pork sate for breakfast. Fried chilied fish for lunch. Fresh hot soy milk with tapioca, very spicy chicken and pork soup for dinner. Uncle is falling asleep to chinese sword drama set in the winter.

Mom and I got swept up in a summer monsoon. I wish I had my camera. We're on a wooden-floored aluminum tin bus decorated with an enormous jasmine wreath. We're sitting in the back with a plume of plastic bags, looking out at the open bus door as we drive because flood is sloshing in from the streets. It's like we're on a boat- the bus splits through all the water around us. Our wet clothes cooled us down in the heat, but the wind from the open doors made us cold. Came home to a fresh saba dinner. Brother is still home ridden and he and my uncled grilled in the rain!

its 6:45 am. I keep falling asleep at 7 pm, and waking up at 2:30 am. It's hard not to feel exhausted when it takes you 4 hours to get home because of BKK traffic. We take the sky train and exit to take a taxi. But they have a line for people who need to take taxis that are approximately a block long. So we decide to walk and take a bus to an area that is less populated for a taxi, but the taxis are just swept up by the block-long line. So we wait and wait and take another bus to a less populated area and then wait. My mom and I are possibly the only ones frustrated. Everyone else is okay with it because that's just how life is here. People are so okay with it that they don't even bring books.

The Morning Walk to the street market for breakfast is my favorite part of the day. They're up and running by 6, and I love my fresh brewed tea for 6 Baht (B), and fresh hot soy milk with jellies for 10 B. Rice porridge with minced pork, ginger, scallions, a dash of oyster sauce, and a fresh brown chicken egg; Chinese spaghetti curry; unheard of (to me and westerners) delicious swamp greens; sausages and bamboo shoots... quite endless.

Brother had a strange callus on his foot removed for 30 dollars. The doctor even put it in a little jar for us to keep. It looks like a albino roach. He's house ridden, but I told him he's not missing out on 4 hour rides home, and really insane shopping malls, and having to look for mom after every corner we turn (she doesn't navigate around anyone else- this is good and bad).

Yesterday was also harvesting lime leaves with mom. I stepped in labrador poop along the way, but it was worth it. The smell of those plants are amazing. My aunt says that you can use these Thai native limes as shampoo or soap. It leaves your hair silky smooth apparently. I found out we missed Mango season, but at least I'll be here for it next year. It continues to rain big droplets and chunks everyday. We're getting ready to celebrate mother's day in Chiang Mai. I have an interview and a language test to take when I return to BKK. Life is moving the way it does.

New World

We're here! It's a time capsule. Outside of Bangkok (BKK) life seems the same as i remember it when I was a kid. It's such a different way of living here- a third or fourth tier economy that most Americans do not experience. We easily take for granted the economy and lifestyle we are blessed with. Although, when we go BKK tomorrow, I'll have a better sense of modern life. From the ladies I saw at the airport, there are fashionably forward individuals also known as "hi-so"/high society folks as Thais call it. It's funny, because these folks dress like normal young NYC/LA women with a little asian flare. Maybe hi-so is when you look fashionably western? I'll try taking a few pics of them. Maybe I'll make a blog all about high society.

I'm eating insanely well as I expected. We ate an Isaan dinner last night, so everything from papaya salad, duck salad, fried pork, grilled cow tongue, pork rolls, lemon grass pork soup, sticky rice, and good ol' singha. I should not feel that surprised to see an actual elephant while having dinner, but I was sooo excited. A baby elephant!! For lunch we went down the street to a little noodle hut and had thom yum skinny noodles. Because the heat and humidity keeps your hunger down, the smaller proportions are just right.

Mom, Brother and I spent the day at the alligator farm down the street. I have already shot one roll of film, and I'm onto the next! I'm so excited to be making photographs here. There are so many lyrical gifts in the landscape, and it feels terribly good to see them with open eyes. They're not wide surprised eyes, luckily, or else I'd be shutter happy (or is it snap happy?), but I feel patient in my observations.

Nit and Nan (chocolate and yellow labradors) are making strange sounds this evening. It's almost two in the morning. Time to go back to bed. I want to be able to wake up to get freshly made soy milk.

she knows everything

Estelle,

Of course, you can send me anything. Have fun. Just let them feel your enthusiasm and belief in what you do. That will take you far.

Love,
Laura

9 days til im BKK bound.

i think when i find one of those people in my life i will say, i'm sorry it took me so long to get to you.

Slowly, but surely i am going to finish this application.

X Letter of Affiliation
X Statement of Purpose
XXRecommendations

To do:
Portfolio
Language Evaluation
Personal Statement
1 more Recommendation

Currently, all signs point to being leader of the pack. Lots of support from CORC. Lots of support from all around. I have to finish this application. My lyfe has been this application (and helping my mom out at the kiosk).

I'm leaving so soon. Two and a half weeks. Really insane. So much to do.

night swimming frees me. i lose track of time wonderfully in warm, warm water. the sunset goes by and i don't have to deal with turning into a little brownie when i get to swim at night!

listening to my favorite miss. records mix. it makes me feel soooo sad when i don't have anything to feel sad about. sometimes you just want that different feeling than the one you always feel. the major feeling i have is a cool calm. today i felt it all day in the best ways- reading, swimming, eating cottage cheese with chips and hot sauce, working on my f. application, so now i'm deciding to change it up. i'm going to even go across the street to south bar, a horrible jock bar, to have a glass of water with megan, well, she's going to have a cocktail.

i have fully accepted that i don't like to drink.

i met a pretty fascinating lady today at work. she came in very hungry and speaking thai very fast asking, "as a thai person, what do you recommend on (yr mother's) menu? i was so nervous that i said, "MOM! there is a thai person at the window!!" turns out this lady is unusually gifted in her vast ambitions which include scuba diving, hiking, photography, education and business. especially business because she's written several number one best selling business books in thailand. what i think best sums her up are explained in the excerpts from the emails she has sent me:

"Hi there, it is great to meet you. see you in August. Let's go to do many activities. I really like your photos but to be honest, you gotta do more. I feel like you can do more and better. I want you to do more. you know why. You are American born Thai. You can use imagination to hep Thailand rescue something. Do whatever you want but your imagination can help Thailand. Trust me on this. We gotta do more photos when you are in Thailand."

strange maternal aura. frank yet supportive. what i need? definitely refreshing and i'm looking forward to this kind of fervent female support in thailand.

bought my ticket to bangkok yesterday. i leave august 5. very insane, and i'm so glad my brother and mother can come for a month. bali bali bali bali. we need to get tickets there. trying to convince her that 4 days is not enough and it needs to be more like 10 days.

been laying around home like crazy, but my ankle is getting better so i won't have to do this for that much longer. had a great girl hang with amanda and lauren. you know like, white wine and ice cream. it was awesome. and relationship talks. awesome.

too many people to catch up with LA. i only really feel like hanging with a few. what to do?

emmet gowin

“It might take us a lifetime to find out what it is we need to say. Most of us fall into where our feelings are headed while we’re quite young. But the beauty of all this uncertainty would be that in the process of exhausting all the possibilities, we might actually stumble unconsciously into the recognition of something that’s useful to us, that speaks to a deep need within ourselves. At the same time, I like to think that in order for any of us to really do anything new, we can’t know exactly what it is we are doing.
So we can’t possibly know what it is we really need. At least, from the view point of originality, we can’t. And still there can be a good sense to what all our drives and needs are expressing.”

from this interview

laying home all day, with exception to having israeli and yemeni brunch delights at eliana's house, with a baseball sized ankle. a few good things have come out of this though, which is discovering:

-two new institutions who offer travel grants for humanitarian work
-a new photographer that i love by the name of ann wadden, particularly her work in china.

i believe she uses large format, which makes me want to fix my large camera before i leave. i should certainly try.

i am continuing to redraft my ideas and itinerary to develop a more effective participation. it will happen!

Despite an amazing trip out east, it feels great to wake up in LA. Gray morning spent with my new electric tea pot watching internet tv and eating sticky rice with mangoes for breakfast. My greenhouse is looking good thanks to mom. I woke up to more budding orchids. Now it's a bike ride around town for a good film processing establishment to reveal photographs from my trip, help mom out at the store, eat with pops, and then an evening swim. Now that I am back, I'll be doing serious planning for my yearlong trip in Thailand- kind of frightening, but what I've been waiting all year for.

I can't believe the last two weeks. I was so lucky to experience all that I did from visiting great friends, eating fresh fish to seeing so much of more of new england and meeting so many gracious and hospitable folks. How am I so lucky to know such lovely people? So very happy!

Also there is a seed planted for another New England project. I think it will be two or so years before it happens, but I'm already brain storming.

mama comments on the magic of coconuts

"they're quite great, aren't they? they make so many babies, and each one is filled with such clear, CLEAR, water. not only do they manage to put water in each one, but they share their sugar in the water. can you believe there are so many of these babies and these plants are responsible for making them all taste so good? they are very great plants. they are better in thailand though."

our faces seem ridiculously important. i suppose that is the first thing you see and then the eyes. but what if there were only the eyes, you know dangling on a string of flesh connecting from your neck? maybe there can be 4 strings of flesh, like a fork, a fork flesh for the eyes and the ears.

dyna is my family for the week bc everyone is in hawaii. she also plays my boyfriend. a more ideal boyfriend because she lets me get my work done. i miss the family that is in hawaii though. i talked to them today and they say they keep thinking about me which is nice. they say its the waterfalls and the tropical plants. they say they're going to show me a lot of pictures. i wish i had gone. i am putting too much thought into the work-filled weekend i have. but hey, im really close to finishing my FB proposal.

the packing begins. boxes of books and records first because those have been the least touched this year. what's next? everything else is hard because i am basically wanting my new life to start before i miss the old one, which will happen, through all of my anxiety and sadness, and then again, deep sadness. i think the scanning stops tomorrow, and then i put that in a box too. that means my photography updating is officially at a halt until my return from the east coast.

i should get rid of more clothes, but i feel indifferent about what i have, as in i don't hate anything. i wish this move was happening sooner.

as i sat on the couch thinking about all the things that belong to me, i realized i will leave a pretty spare apartment behind. strange, all the things we have in a house. what if you laid it all out on a picnic blanket? what if you were like that guy who only owned one hundred things? my brother wants to be that guy. half of the time i want to be that guy, but i'm definitely not that guy. too many plants to be that guy. too many pairs of jeans to be that guy.

i have spent a lot of time with my family in the last month. it's a kind of fulfillment that is different because you know you'll always know them, and you know they won't be that far, and because they'll certainly love you the whole day through. right now, i feel like there are a lot of extra people in the world, well in my world, and i am liking it small and kind and loving and real, because those people will tell you how it is better than anyone else.

my body is experience silence for the first time in a long time. it's nice. it's authentic silence because i want to be by myself for days on end. i'm not rummaging through thoughts. its just my body splitting through water like a canoe. smooth sailing, clean breaks. no turns. not looking back. trying not to at least.

i lie. it's not always nice. somedays you just want someone to love you the whole day through. it can't be done.

host affiliation and mentor - CHECK!!


was telling SS how great it was to get an email that said my project would be "strongly supported". it feels like my voice is a little bigger in the world, and maybe i will leave tangible, well-shaped foot prints after all.

z and i had a good one on one on the codes and modes of study vs. research. i guess i will be "studying" but it will involve "research". sometimes i like to think that i am an anthropologist of my own kind, but i don't publish papers with validity. i have a 2.5 blogs that are concerned with expressing elements of anthropology, elements of ecology, elements of me. i cannot be the kind of resource i look forward to when i am researching on JSTOR. i am okay with that, i am my own kind of cultural ecologist.

notes

The purpose of the 1964 National Forest Reserve Act was to legalize 'permanent' forests' mapped on paper and to accelerate demarcation by the state. This law allowed forests to be designated as 'reserves' without royal decree. The latest statistics show that forest reserves (45% of total land) represent almost twice the area covered by actual forest, making it clear that the word 'reserves' is void of meaning.

Jin Sato, Public Land for the People: The Institutional Basis of Community Forestry in Thailand

Approximately 1.5-8 million people (from about 2 - 13 percent of total population respectively) live on uncertain lands.

Usufruct rights vs. full ownership title

"Land reform, on the hand, allowed farmers to obtain their own land with certain restrictions; in other words, it was a mechanism for farmers to reclaim rights over ambiguous public lands... With the decline in economic growth from the late 1990s, and the increasing difficulty of finding jobs in the cities, the problem of rural landlessness is re-emerging as one of the key items on the development agenda."

ALRO (Agricultural Land Reform Office) & Plantation and forest village
*many of this programs began in the 60s and 70s (near forest reserves) and were often tied to national security concerns, particularly Communist insurgency. Conservation and restoration of forests merely served as a pretexts for mobilizing local villagers to counter insurgents who were often hiding in the remote forest areas. As a result, many of the forest village projects took place along the borders of Laos and Cambodia.

updated website: www.july1986.com

commentary often reveals the photograph people are most inclined to. somehow after listening, i begin to repel. why?

also today's BAVC meeting was amazing...exactly what i wanted from today. i feel rushed with new ideas and angles for considering the work i want to do. i see the importance and potential of impact. i want it to happen.

who will i be there?

alamar, another amazing film to add the the list from the first person rural program.

getting excited for a few SFFS movies.

attending a BAVC presentation offered to "media maker" fellows tomorrow via nadia shihab! the presentation is on new media strategies which i'm not sure what that entails, but i think it will be cool to meet a new network of artists, particularly video artists who are working in the form of social/cultural documentary. i think it could give a lot of insight into my project overseas.

i have already been drawing on ethical questions about my project. some times the people who can help the most are already in the community. even if i stay two years, that is just a fraction of a lifetime. it's one of those things, i just need to play by ear, but also keep an open dialogue with myself and never lose sight of that awareness.

first person rural

agrarian utopia was good (on the long side and projected awfully in digital format) but kalendar by naomi uman was fantastic. and the next feature the sky turns by mercedes alvarez was amazing. more naomi uman to screen in the first person rural program. i'm so very excited by her. female FILMMAKERS. female MAKERS. i love it. not for the feminism theory aspect, but for the determined creative execution in an industry of men.

a similar but different industry to be noted is BioFuel Oasis, a women-owned and operating biodiesel station on the corner of ashby and sacramento in berkeley. they are amazing and offer support for the environmentally minded diesel drivers.

went to see la libertad by lisandro alonso. so good. day in the life of an argentinean wood-cutter: from dinner to dinner, defecating, eating armadillo, selling barked-stripped trunks for wood posts, looking for girls in a nowhere. it is part of an (to be expected) amazing week long program at the pacific film archive entitled, "first person rural: the new nonfiction". z and i plan to see all 6 screenings. looking most forward to "agrarian utopia" a documentary piece about rural life in thailand. potentially inspiring.

2/3 done with july1986 v.4.0

getting some days off, which means, more opportunities to photograph. to wrap up my northern california flora and fauna project in the little time i have left. usually, i am hesitant to say a project is at an end, but for the most part i am starting to understand that my photographs come from a very personal place in time, a mental state i can never expect to fully return to. at least not right now. looking back through all the various stages of my work, it is nice to see the overlap from the culmination of one project to the next. nothing dramatic, but there is thematic progression.

i like to hear about fellow peers moving on to grad school. it is looking farther and farther away for me. because life is unfolding surprisingly well. many petals in this year's flower.

would like to note what i choose to wear when i am working at home: fuchsia sweat pants and uggs. messy hair.

z says it is lillith fair on my end of the house (when i am working). he is typically listening to ambient drone jazz noise music, but i really like listening to fiona apple.

LOUISE NEVELSON:

Once her friend and patron Howard Lipman showed her an early American rocking chair that he had just acquired.
He asked Nevelson’s opinion of the chair.

“I couldn’t care less about the chair,” she said, “but look at its shadow.”

enjoying all the best parts of being alone.

a lot of anticipation and curing my sickness with boat noodles!

insane busy week. more busyness to come.

todo:
1. realize short term and long term financial goals
2. thai reading and writing
3. send letters
4. reclaim my mental real estate
5. hello LA

pine flat

returning from an exhausting but wonderful short stay at pine flat lake, just south of the sequoias. california never ceases to amaze me. we had a big sleepover on the second floor of a motel room which looked out on to the lake and a perfect looking tree heavy mound named owl mountain.

boys woke up at 645 am to get ready for their race- coconut water, shammy butter, cute hip stretching, bananas, gear, gear, gear. wasn't long before they were off to register and i had the other early morning to myself with quinoa and hard boiled egg and a lazy lay in bed. i got up to catch my first sight of riders going by.

they look like a school of fish. they are also invisible as men. they can only be seen as war machines, or moving bodies. nothing idiosyncratic besides their jerseys and gear. that is amazing to me.

a great day largely because i hiked around the lake in forbidden areas and i am beginning to really feel the new camera as a serious keeper. it's slowly becoming my third arm. we will see how these pictures turn out because the camera is a breeze to handle and shoot. our hotel room, yucca, cactus, unborn poppies, fisherman, mountains and mountains, some cyclists, and oranges at the end.

i am slightly embarrassed because i did have a nightmare that night, and the boys heard me say weird loud things in my sleep. not long after i awoke, i described my nightmare very fast and then even more quickly fell right back to sleep.

test roll #1

exhibit zach iannazzi

TS: Yes, I hate that too. The word “series” is a diminutive attachment. A series is something that pretends as if one picture has no value and you need the series to give it that value. You wouldn’t say, for instance, that James Joyce wrote “a series of books”.

The oeuvre’s construction is indeed like that of a larger, complex building. While each room has a different size, quality, and function, and may be considered independently, all have reference to each other, and an expression and aim as a total. Every part in its own way serves the total, and without that inherent connection, it remains a merely personal statement, a matter of taste.

another photograph (j. wall) that brings a big calm

pilara, check!

fortunate to encounter mesmerizing work by thomas struth. strange to see what you've imagined all along, which confuses you in two ways: inspired and frustrated.





pretty funny how that works.

a voyage into exurban southern california

http://www.clui.org/pro_pro/exhibits/pdf/hinterland.pdf

reading notes

"...the naivete from which this view emerges also gives rise to the common apprehension that because we are bombarded by visual images we must, as a consequence, be visually literate. viewing images is a learned, skill-based activity. the experience of viewing a visual image differs from that of reading a written text. the templates we bring to considering and interpreting images need not be modeled on our approaches to linguistic utterances. expecting from images what we expect from words ultimately leads to frustration, since they are fundamentally different communicative systems."

"using pictures in social research requires a theory of how pictures get used by both picture makers and viewers. in order to us photographs either as data or as data generators we need to have some notion of how viewrs treat and understand photographic images, where those viewers are informants or researchers. rub has drawn attention to the pitfalls awaiting people who take up photography as a research tool with too little awareness of the social practices surrounding photographic productio nand use.

...approached from either of this perspectives (1. art 2. precise record) )the photographic meaning is conceptualized as being contained within the image of itself....

... the role of the spectator in the process of constructing photographic meaning.... meaning is actively constructed... not passively received.

barthes considers photographs as "polysemic," capable of generating multiple meanings in vewing process

not objective evidence

in order to benefit social research, photographic methods must be grounded in the interactive context

"i consider photographs inherently ambiguous, their specifiable meanings emergent in the viewing process. this ambiguity is not a disadvantage or limitation; rather, the multiple meanings negotiated by viewers can ge mined for the rich data they yield."

h. gruyeart

e. erwitt