i have this horrible, and real, deep fear that all of my pictures will be out of focus. i haven't felt this kind of horrible anxiety and anticipation in a really long time. not a good feeling. in looking back, my first photographs with this camera were really amazingly sharp, and now i believe the images are looking blurrier and blurrier. god, and since my camera experienced a real crash this weekend, i'm praying to all the higher beings that the images came out right. the focus alignment is severely out of alignment, but i decided to shoot even after the accident because i figured there could be a chance that it could still work and i could at least eye ball it. it gave me such a headache. that's how bad the focus is. if the actual focus is that bad or even a little off, it means that any close up or low light photos will have a higher likelihood of being true trash. BABY JESUS SO MUCH ANXIETY AND ANTICIPATION. I will find out tomorrow when i go to pick up my film, but i'm at home feeling nothing but anxiety. i went over to my aunts house today and on the way back I realized I forgot to bring back my spare camera and extra film, which means taking another 2 hour trip there before i leave for Mae Hong Son this weekend.

the drawback of having a new and unique medium format camera is that you probably can't take it to any old camera shop, instead you need to send it to an autherized dealer. i'm totally crying inside. and shit, right before some of my most important trips. this means, i'll have to use the old mamiya c330, but fortunately, it's a really good alternative. she really is a workhouse. my only fear is that there won't be a consistency to the images...

one of the reasons why my anxiety is so large is that there were a handful of pivotal images made on this trip. the CF youth posing as a bicycle gang. youth surveying the forest. mushroom hunters - many!!!! more rice factory images. rice fields. amazing women cooking. ugh etc etc. WE WILL KNOW TOMORROW. Putting my anxiety under the pillow. Back to applying to grants.

vistas of our youth

i take longer and longer to update. i have a few different vehicles for writing so some of my thoughts gets diffused else where at times.

i am reading a biography that pin points a lot of my experiences here as a thai-american (i recently admitted that after meeting thai-english or thai-belgium or thai-germans i feel that i come from a 'lesser culture', although i know this is not true). some of my experiences here distinctly remind me of being in high school again. more specifically, the state of being so self-conscious that it results in me losing sight of my self...often. strangely though, this change of confidence benefits my community forest project. no one likes women who come off as too strong. well, you can be strong inside, but to have a loud voice is not the most feminine feature. in turn, it's when i'm working on my photography or when i look at the images i've been making that remind me of the self that i frequently lose sight of here. this must mean i don't look at my work enough. i'm not acting, but i think some people might see this as acting as a way to find what i wanted to look for in my visual journey here. method acting everyday.

although not disenchanted with my purpose in thailand, these days my life is incredibly boring with routine and banal goals like eating more vegetables, exercising, and finding time to sit in a cafe and read. i have less energy to follow these routines. instead my inclination has been going to the cinema after work and eating steak or vietnamese food, or vietnamese food with steak.

the only exciting thing really is almost two weeks of traveling next month for work. going back to Ban Thung Yao for a training and hopefully being able to finish a roll of film there! there are many photographs from april waiting to be developed. then off to a 'network dialogue' and a study tour of a very strong community in Mae Hong Song with Thailand's CF Network leaders. lots of good photo opportunities there, which mean opening my eyes at all time and knowing where everyone is and what's gonna happen.