my body is feeling very crazy. i just started a journey of making 24 maps, which means super intense 4 hour intervals of sitting in front of the computer. exhausted by the sheer focus, but the (educational) profit will be good - i can feel it in my back ache! i'm only on the first map, but my pace and efficiency has been picking up quickly. 24 maps of community forests!

not feeling like my usual physical self after sitting all day long. instead of running, i want to just lay down and read more poetry from this wonderful website that e.youle sent me. i always felt guilty that i only had one other internet source for poetry (but it's very good!). now i can feel a little bit more relieved because i have two!

this weekend i discovered an amazing library/resource in bangkok! everyone i know has heard a great amount of enthusiasm about the Thailand Creative Design Center from me. they respond by saying that they're surprised i had not heard of it before. i'm so very grateful that it's now in my lyfe, but it's a bit sad to me that such a wonderful collection of information is guarded by a paid membership (the amount is much harsher for foreigners). it makes sense but it doesn't make sense (the part of me that doesn't get it is spoiled by my past experiences with amazing, amazing, free libraries). i have been craving a space like that in my bangkok-life that is aesthetically and educationally designed for true study!

this place also houses an archive, one of seven in the world, called material connexion. this is a sculpturists', texilist's, or anyone who makes physical objects dream come true! a brilliant, 3-d, library of innovate and sustainable materials.

a very rewarding weekend to have discovered this place and spend all of my sunday editing photographs as a way to start thinking about sequencing and applying to grants. i also think i might be ate the point of understanding what this year has been all about.

in love with the way some people think.

i have unbelievable faith - a feeling beyond knowledge - in autonomy, complexity and the relationship between effort and reward, in others words meaningful work and diligent study. and true study is a form of experience.

why do we search for new things? because we don't need to understand something we already know twice.

whoa, sally gall. why have i never heard of you before?

Sometimes i don't feel worthy shooting in color- that it's just not my medium. It's because I spent so long trying to understanding why black and white prints, if done well, felt sculptural. I feel like i really get black and white, and it makes my heart so warm to see it done well. Especially these years when digital looks too good to be true. Each definition in the frame attempts to be sharp on behalf of our believed reality, but our own eyes don't even see with that kind of precision. What we've created is beyond us. At least the color of film speaks through the grain and ashiness, which is mountains more sculptural than the images we see today.

the first and second image remind me of another pie-in-the-sky. my adventures in the swamps of georgia and florida. i must go. i will go. and i'll stop in new orleans to gets oysters on the way.

"You can’t be an artist and have your identity reside in only one thing. The thing that you master will become a stranger to you, and you will outlive it or you will need to live into something else. You will always need to be educating yourself to the complexity of your feelings as they grow, and you don’t want to do something twice, really. Everything that makes you an artist in a sense is the way things are understood; how they fit together in ways that have not been understood before. How can you discover the inherent value that’s hidden in things that you haven’t yet seen? It’s in that sense that you want to do something new."

satisfaction - more or less, a perfect day

breakfast. writing. second breakfast. grocery shopping. reading in a cafe to elevate the mind. came up with challenging questions and tasks to push my photography/thinking/learning e.g.:

1. make a list of my prejudgements before looking at works of art. (the clearer I am about these, the more likely I will not misjudge the ones made by others)

2. should readers know my personality/history to understand my work better?

3. knowledge vs. opinion. what 'problems' ('questions') am i creating in my work and do I offer the information (in my work) to answer or respond to these questions? and what are my opinions?

4. look at other photographers/artists in relation to each other. (create a conversation between two artists to create living issues from their bodies of work)

5. am i contributing to the conversation, the history of great photographs and photographers? am i moving the conversation forward? if not, how can i?

6. have more live discussions about my work.

7. do i deceive myself about my ability to read (visual materials) intelligently?

I spent the last hour chipping away at number four. I compared Alessandra Sanguinetti with Erika Larsen. Similar, but important comparisons. For inspiration/faith, I draw from Sanguinetti's On the Sixth Day, and Larsen's Sami. I find myself in between both of them when I think about the work I want to make - FILM, NATURAL, LIGHT, COLORS, WARM, NICE LANGUAGE, LAND, LIVING, and DEPTH OF FIELD.

In my photographic research this evening (the best kind of Saturday night always), I found these amazing interviews of photographers talking about their work/experience at this intense photojournalism program. The first video harnesses all of the integrity I want in my work, and in a way renewed my commitment just listening to height of quality that can be achieved if you work hard. Plus it's indispensable to listen to these photographers talk about the emotional attachments they have to their work and the persistence that is needed in carrying out their projects.

With that said, I've got to go back to the working table. Think about some of these Q's, edit photographs, and lay out a master plan.

Work Etc.

With the exception of having breakfast, I think the first thing I should do today before anything else is write.

I've had a really wonderful week of traveling, working, and being frequently reminded and amazed by where I am right now. How many people can say they are exactly where they want to be, or where they have worked to be? In recalling my week last night with a friend, I was reminded again by how lucky I am to have had these opportunities this year - being in the field so often, meeting such lovely people- co-workers, villagers, and foresters alike, researching and thinking critically, even more so than i expected, about the meaning of forestry, the meaning of cultural landscapes, the role of citizenship in society, community, responsibility, and even (ugh) office management… ha, I really could go on, which is a cue that I can take myself so seriously sometimes. I even felt embarrassed about being so self-indulgent later that night.

Although, I made a mental note that if people want, they can really take more ownership of where there lives are at (although I took another note to not say anything like this to people who are feeling not as positive about their lives because it comes off as self righteous, rude and probably something else). Anyway, the idea that I love is that you should be aware of the choices you have, and in return the choices you can make. Understanding what is in that boundary (of choices), helps me, at least, see more clearly what is possible and also encourages me to be accountable for my own life.

Anyway! This is not a self help blog - I helped organize a study tour of one of the communities in N. Thailand I visited two months ago. It was for the donors of the organization I work for, so it had to be planned in an executive kind of way, but what sealed the deal was the awesomeness of the community. To be honest, we're just facilitators (including the organization's work as a whole), we just lead the way, but everything to be fascinated by is always done by the community.

I also had my first opportunity to do serious translating, which was amazing. It wasn't only the experience of sharing what was said. It helped so much that I had visited the community before and spent a lot of time researching their history, which in turn helped me share a lot of ideas and nuances that would normally be lost in translation. What was amazing was to share these unique and significant nuances of the community with other people, and truly feeling like the bridge between two different cultures. So cool and nothing like it. It made me wonder if I should do translating for a living. Another note, in essence, I hope my photographs from Thailand can serve as that, a bridge between audience and community, or community and community.

The study tour, facilitated by 2 of my colleagues also, was over sat and sunday with some leisure time in Change Mai. I had one day of rest and then went into work on Tuesday for a surprisingly good lecture on current global trends and challenges in CF. I met an amazing Senegalese man, who I wish had more time to speak on the developments of CF in Africa! It looks like he does great work with the communities and the youth there. More specifically, his perspective on what a model forest is very interesting as it looks at the participation of the community differently than what I've been exposed to here. Also the first speaker, Dr. doris, was admirably articulate and a great debater (another mental note, i want those skills). She made great points that elevated my state of being!

By 2 pm, I was leaving for Khao Yai National Park, where my unit would be conducting a REDD+ and climate change training to Thai natural resource-related government officials. I had never worked with foresters before! It was exciting to be in a room full of them and to see the faces of so many people who have the responsibility of actually managing and maintaining forests. Surprisingly, only 4 out of 50 trainees interact or work with communities as part of their work. My favorite part of the training were listening to the questions trainees asked- its how you know what was or wasn't digested, or better yet, how it was digested. I got back last night, friday, from that trip. In addition to being my first training, it was a great co-worker building trip, as there were opportunities to gossip and get the scoop on love lives and go night safari-ing, where we saw wild elephants, a huge porcupine, an owl, poisonous snakes and more. They're all so sweet and cool even if they make fun of my Thai/are charmed by it. However, I'm starting to think that it's totally a legitimate way to speak because I'm having great fun with the language even if it means purposely using words wrong.

All in all, another great week in Thailand. It's taken me a little while to get back into my groove after being home. I've got lots of work, but couldn't be more happy about truckin' through it. More photographs to add to my CF series as well! I need to take about 6 more pictures before I can develop and show, but hopefully soon. Another trip out of town a week from now- yay!