it's a late night, purposely, at my aunt's house. i never get internet this good so i like to stay up and watch movies, and then after seeing a movie, i go to my teenage place. it's not a naive place, but it is young and crazy and completely emotional, you know, the Heart of the heart. i love that place. i cherish that place. it's a home i'll never leave behind, but i think it shelters all things untangible and not realistic but absolutely desirable (subjective). admitting that really screws with me because as much as i respect the ordinary, i prefer to dream and sometimes only see the dream in a way that makes me walk towards it. one day, i hope i can admit that it's no longer a dream and that i'm actually there.

although, i just had this moment that made me really sad and upset that a part of my life wasn't going to work out, but i think i just need to think about it differently. i guess i keep thinking that my fate might already be made and i'll have to sit in that sadness forever. but i think that's an easy way out, and i'm pretty sure either way it comes down the power of choosing. and also rethinking/reframing the situation. i'm also upset about something that hasn't even happened so what good does that really do me? i keep forgetting that i have a choice and choices are great. i want to know/feel my choices for the same reason buddhist monks do not wear shoes... for awareness (they would know if they stepped on a bug). too bad at this point it isn't even about the choice, it's about being patient.

do you know the difference between love and obsession? no

home from chonburi! back with the most amazing foods: nam prik (courtesy of the school hosting the event) and deep-fried, honey-fermented fingerling bananas! they are also known as "god helps the fried bananas". I also brought back a bunch of forest cuttings and seedlings with me (they were left over from the event)! Now I have plants at home! About 8 different plants, from forest bamboo to some hard to find hard hoods. I hope they don't mind living in the city with me. I am naming one of them Bo Thong after the district we visited. My boss is so lucky she had the space to take home a Lam Yai tree (one of the most delicious Thai fruits).

Highlights of the trip:
at least 3 awesome photographs from the trip
discovering these fried honey bananas
having QT time with my very cool boss and co-workers
seeing monocultures of rubber plants (thon yang para), eucalyptus (thon yuca), and sugar cane
seeing more of Thailand
the OK to do field research in a CF in Chiang Mai every month!!

A Nam Chiao villager hunting for duck shells, Trat, Thailand.

Yay! My first article!

And back to Chonburi this weekend for a Five Eastern Province Community Forestry Network meeting- so very excited.

yes. i can finally share new thailand photographs with you. spent the last three days scanning in 200 stills, about another 100 to go. it will be shared here: http://estallion.tumblr.com

i & you & is

feeling spiritual insomnia right now:

"Art is a mystery; all mysteries have their source in a mystery-of-mysteries who is love" (note the "who" denoting aliveness, as opposed to "which" denoting undeadness): "and if lovers may reach eternity directly through love herself, their mystery remains essentially that of the loving artist whose way must lie through his art, and of the loving worshipper whose aim is oneness with his god."

from estlin

the sweat rolls down my back

Today I realized my soul is dedicated to staying hungry. I know My soulmate will also be hungry.

I'm having a love affair with masters of poetry, like e.e. cummings, i thank You God...for everything which is natural which is infinite which is yes, (now the ears of my ears awake and now the eyes of my eyes are opened).

Like all matters of the Heart, you know when you find it, what you truly love.

I can't imagine a better way of spending my Saturday night: scanning negatives, seeing what has culminated from my time in south east asia. I did it! I accomplished mission film scanner today. I thought it would be impossible, but I did it and I bought it and I'm going to have the most self indulgent weekend working on what I love the most. And from here on out, I'll get to share my work with you and I'll never have to wait so many months to see all of my visual investigations.

also becoming obsessed with the whole world catalog. the real charm comes from a hard copy but a soft copy is good enough when im trying to get my hands on everything i can read. TWO things I learned today:

1. Everything is an experiment
2. Don't try to create and analyze at the same time. They're different processes.

octavio paz

Duration

"Thunder and wind: duration."
I Ching

I

Sky black
Yellow earth
The rooster tears the night apart
The water wakes and asks what time it is
The wind wakes and asks for you
A white horse goes by

II

As the forest in its bed of leaves
you sleep in your bed of rain
you sing in your bed of wind
your kiss in your bed of sparks

III

Multiple vehement odor
many-handed body
On an invisible stem a single
whiteness

IV

Speak listen answer me
what the thunderclap
says, the woods
understand

V

I enter by your eyes
you come forth by my mouth
You sleep in my blood
I waken in your head

VI

I will speak to you in stone-language
(answer with a green syllable)
I will speak to you in snow-language
(answer with a fan of bees)
I will speak to you in water-language
(answer with a canoe of lightning)
I will speak to you in blood-language
(answer with a tower of birds)

– translated by Denise Levertov

Courtesy, modesty, good manners, conformity to definite ethical standards are universal, but what constitutes courtesy, modesty, very good manners, and definite ethical standards is not universal. It is instructive to know that standards differ in the most unexpected ways. Franz Boas, M. Mead's advisor

I want to read Coming of Age in Samoa and Sex and Temperament in Three Primitive Societies
I also plan to go cave hunting in Thailand. Unsure of the date, but certain in absolute feeling that it will happen.
Leaving Pattaya today so I can wait in my own home for the floods to come. It's moving so slowly, but believe it or not, I miss city life.

Oh yes the most exciting news!!! Right before I left I took all my rolls of film to get developed, but then had to leave BKK. But the lab sent it to me so I got a package in the mail with lots of film developed! Ahhh! I couldn't have been happier to touch film, and see these images I've been waiting weeks to see. The only thing is I still don't have a scanner. So to actually share, you and I both have to wait.

i believe that art is a trade that take courage. it takes a kind of confidence to risk greater security (of all kinds) to search for a greater freedom for your mind and heart.

i feel like i know a slice of this, and i know it's the right direction because it feels absolutely right. i find courage and inspiration in the artifacts that are left behind, in the people that i've met, and in my own happiness. i've learned that self motivation never keeps you from learning. i'm learning about my craft, which has many manifestations including becoming a better person.

Everyone sitting around the tv watching the news- three different families and generations. We just finished dinner, a seven dish meal, typical of my life in pattaya. Oh great, thE news is pointing the area of my apt and how it will be flooded in the next few daysm. Three weeks ago I said I was more afraid of the roaches relocating to the second floor, my apt, than the flooding itself. I think that's changed since I've learned about how disgusting the water is.

Life in pattaya means working from in the meantime while the office is flooded. I get to look out at a beautiful beach with only a few boats that sleep on the sea. Prae and I have been swimming every evening and we'll eat fruit all day long. And when we are almost ready for bed we watch a movie or bbc's robin hood. Still living out of the escape bag, but it's far from bad here. I'm starting to miss all of my traveling work though.
Blood pressure is 93! Heart pulse 74!