her groove

things come in waves.

the brain is churning.

ordered a lot of chemicals for alternative printing. experiments on their way. and looking into buying a large format camera. photography is going to be fun again.

and am trying to figure out if what i want to do is 51% self promotion and 49% working/is this my calling?

going to revisit the zarina show for more ideas.

also began looking through things i hadn't scanned in yet and uploaded a couple at the good ol' blog: estallion.tumblr.com

yesterday i went to taska's holiday party. i love the clevelands. i saw jon hassell who i haven't seen in a very long time. we bonded our medical situations. i also talked to ira, taylor's dad (i think), for a long time. later that night, i found a copy of LA Yoga with him on the cover. it was a nice comparison to make. he was wearing a similar red sweater.

i experience my anxiety as different nuanced colors i do not know how to articulate, but as jon and i spoke, we agreed that it just isn't meant to be described. why must there be a description? how strange that we give the whole world a description. intellectualizing it all until it loses it's saturation, true color.

i'm coming around to photography for the sake of photography (rather than a status for other people to validate). i dont want to use it as a vehicle to validate myself, but it's so hard to not leverage the one thing you have confidence/experience in when you are an era of self criticism. it's a relationship im not ready to start again unless i feel better. i feel good about this loyalty that i have to my convictions, my practice of photography. i don't want photography to fuel this negative thing.

trying times.

a different kind of hunger.

new motto: "i don't give a shit" and "i'm still the same person"

disappearing into the background

my ideal day, which i will try to live tomorrow:

wake up, have ten minutes of just lying in bed trying to remember my dreams

get up and surf or go running for an hour

eat a delicious breakfast

go to work on some goals - photography or writing

lunch with friends and laugh

back to work

take a walk, talk to someone you don't know

goal for everyday: make at least three jokes or make three people laugh

back to work

get chores done

read

hang out with friends/eat dinner/laugh/go to a concert/something live

relax with a movie you've never seen before or a movie i've seen too many times

drink tea/go to bed at a reasonable hour

Went to see the Zarina exhibit at the Hammer. Stunning, absolutely stunning. Haven't been floored by work in a long time. Funny, it's never photography.

I love her language, her mind, and the way she sees both natural, spiritual, and boundaries. Her aesthetic sensibility is something I really relate to right now - textural minimalism.

I love her new work, the spiritual journey theme. like Dark Night of the Soul. I did a little bit of wiki research - making this kind of work is totally in my mind. Exploring darkness.

other works i fell in love with at the moca blues for smoke exhibit: