her groove

things come in waves.

the brain is churning.

ordered a lot of chemicals for alternative printing. experiments on their way. and looking into buying a large format camera. photography is going to be fun again.

and am trying to figure out if what i want to do is 51% self promotion and 49% working/is this my calling?

going to revisit the zarina show for more ideas.

also began looking through things i hadn't scanned in yet and uploaded a couple at the good ol' blog: estallion.tumblr.com

yesterday i went to taska's holiday party. i love the clevelands. i saw jon hassell who i haven't seen in a very long time. we bonded our medical situations. i also talked to ira, taylor's dad (i think), for a long time. later that night, i found a copy of LA Yoga with him on the cover. it was a nice comparison to make. he was wearing a similar red sweater.

i experience my anxiety as different nuanced colors i do not know how to articulate, but as jon and i spoke, we agreed that it just isn't meant to be described. why must there be a description? how strange that we give the whole world a description. intellectualizing it all until it loses it's saturation, true color.

i'm coming around to photography for the sake of photography (rather than a status for other people to validate). i dont want to use it as a vehicle to validate myself, but it's so hard to not leverage the one thing you have confidence/experience in when you are an era of self criticism. it's a relationship im not ready to start again unless i feel better. i feel good about this loyalty that i have to my convictions, my practice of photography. i don't want photography to fuel this negative thing.

trying times.

a different kind of hunger.

new motto: "i don't give a shit" and "i'm still the same person"

disappearing into the background

my ideal day, which i will try to live tomorrow:

wake up, have ten minutes of just lying in bed trying to remember my dreams

get up and surf or go running for an hour

eat a delicious breakfast

go to work on some goals - photography or writing

lunch with friends and laugh

back to work

take a walk, talk to someone you don't know

goal for everyday: make at least three jokes or make three people laugh

back to work

get chores done

read

hang out with friends/eat dinner/laugh/go to a concert/something live

relax with a movie you've never seen before or a movie i've seen too many times

drink tea/go to bed at a reasonable hour

Went to see the Zarina exhibit at the Hammer. Stunning, absolutely stunning. Haven't been floored by work in a long time. Funny, it's never photography.

I love her language, her mind, and the way she sees both natural, spiritual, and boundaries. Her aesthetic sensibility is something I really relate to right now - textural minimalism.

I love her new work, the spiritual journey theme. like Dark Night of the Soul. I did a little bit of wiki research - making this kind of work is totally in my mind. Exploring darkness.

other works i fell in love with at the moca blues for smoke exhibit:

The Sonnets: III

BY TED BERRIGAN

Stronger than alcohol, more great than song,

deep in whose reeds great elephants decay,

I, an island, sail, and my shores toss

on a fragrant evening, fraught with sadness

bristling hate.

It’s true, I weep too much. Dawns break

slow kisses on the eyelids of the sea,

what other men sometimes have thought they’ve seen.

And since then I’ve been bathing in the poem

lifting her shadowy flowers up for me,

and hurled by hurricanes to a birdless place

the waving flags, nor pass by prison ships

O let me burst, and I be lost at sea!

and fall on my knees then, womanly.

I revisit this poem so often. And I wonder, using this as a measure for beauty, sadness, and real emotional movement, if it's possible to create a visual body of work as equally powerful as what this poem does for me?

deal with the situation or go down in defeat?

trying to be more human, trying to be true to myself.

(“When you adopt the standards and the values of someone else … you surrender your own integrity. You become, to the extent of your surrender, less of a human being.” - Eleanor Rooselvelt)

do i want to do photography because it is something i love to do, or have i been feeling interested in photography because i can't bare to say that i'm not doing much (in fact, i am doing a lot, but it is work that i do not want anyone to see or know about)

how do i honor all of the people i have worked with this year when i stay in my house, but away from the emails i should respond to?

needles and pins in my back!

constantly walking on egg shells around myself.

feeling the most satisfying sad after reading berrigan today.

OK, will now spend the rest of the day trying to be useful to myself. i ask, "what happened to my hunger?"

betty davis eyes

my currency is lost! longing for what i don't know, but not in photography. very reluctant to work, to reflect or review all that went down. less than a creative block, more like breathing. "everything is special everyday" my new motto/sale sign at a thrift store i've been very focused on love lately. i've been feeling through anna karenina. have been to very many film screenings of the avante garde nature. most have been very good, but tonight's screening was a pretty big disappointment (a found footage film festival). makes you wonder who/what makes it work/works it. sadness, like the deep kind in east of eden. and never hungry.

all in all and deep by deep

eating raspberries in the sun.

house is not perfectly put together, but it looks good for right now.

the top of my hair is brown (a layer of sun), the bottom is a shadow of my natural black.

my skin and hair have a distinct preference for california, the united states. my body, in general, is doing better, although not completely relieved of pain.

thinking outwards, i have a very large and overwhelming bucket list. the most important part is talking about my feelings. i need a lot of help - that sort of thing. it feels like i need a very big and potentially long break from my creative self.

i've been taking part in surfing! it's a wonderful escape that has me being tossed in the ocean like a salad. i have been tumbling across the ocean floor because the tide is so low. the waves are louder than my thoughts, which is perfect. the sky is very big, much bigger than my thoughts, which is also perfect. this force that is bigger than me is an important element in bringing me to a calm. i need to be reminded often that we can't make every single choice in our lives, and with the choices we do make, not every single one of them can be the best or the perfect. as an optimist, i struggle with that a lot. it's important to try, but i tried too hard and now i have to take a break. i am looking forward to this break.

I could try to toughen up

Rose:

Completed a day-in-the-life paternal grandfather tour in my parent's home town. this included eating his favorite pork's blood noodles, duck noodles, tasting local desserts, seeing the site of my family's old humble abode, learning how to pray to my family's chosen chinese deity, Matsu (Mae Tsup in Thai), visiting chinese and thai temples he was devoted to, cleaning my grandparent's grave and leaving them an offering of flowers, and seeing his room before he passed away (an empty, bright room made of concrete with nothing in it except for 13 eclectic wall clocks - very strange).

Bud:

Going home.

Making a home with my brother.

Cooking from Plenty. And looking forward to getting Jerusalem in the mail too.

Swimming everyday I can.

Running everyday I can.

Riding my bike.

If life is favorable, adopting a dog.

Thorn:

Undiagnosed and symptoms remain relatively the same. Although very slow and subtle, I think I am starting to see some improvement.

Testing one two three!

i have this horrible, and real, deep fear that all of my pictures will be out of focus. i haven't felt this kind of horrible anxiety and anticipation in a really long time. not a good feeling. in looking back, my first photographs with this camera were really amazingly sharp, and now i believe the images are looking blurrier and blurrier. god, and since my camera experienced a real crash this weekend, i'm praying to all the higher beings that the images came out right. the focus alignment is severely out of alignment, but i decided to shoot even after the accident because i figured there could be a chance that it could still work and i could at least eye ball it. it gave me such a headache. that's how bad the focus is. if the actual focus is that bad or even a little off, it means that any close up or low light photos will have a higher likelihood of being true trash. BABY JESUS SO MUCH ANXIETY AND ANTICIPATION. I will find out tomorrow when i go to pick up my film, but i'm at home feeling nothing but anxiety. i went over to my aunts house today and on the way back I realized I forgot to bring back my spare camera and extra film, which means taking another 2 hour trip there before i leave for Mae Hong Son this weekend.

the drawback of having a new and unique medium format camera is that you probably can't take it to any old camera shop, instead you need to send it to an autherized dealer. i'm totally crying inside. and shit, right before some of my most important trips. this means, i'll have to use the old mamiya c330, but fortunately, it's a really good alternative. she really is a workhouse. my only fear is that there won't be a consistency to the images...

one of the reasons why my anxiety is so large is that there were a handful of pivotal images made on this trip. the CF youth posing as a bicycle gang. youth surveying the forest. mushroom hunters - many!!!! more rice factory images. rice fields. amazing women cooking. ugh etc etc. WE WILL KNOW TOMORROW. Putting my anxiety under the pillow. Back to applying to grants.

vistas of our youth

i take longer and longer to update. i have a few different vehicles for writing so some of my thoughts gets diffused else where at times.

i am reading a biography that pin points a lot of my experiences here as a thai-american (i recently admitted that after meeting thai-english or thai-belgium or thai-germans i feel that i come from a 'lesser culture', although i know this is not true). some of my experiences here distinctly remind me of being in high school again. more specifically, the state of being so self-conscious that it results in me losing sight of my self...often. strangely though, this change of confidence benefits my community forest project. no one likes women who come off as too strong. well, you can be strong inside, but to have a loud voice is not the most feminine feature. in turn, it's when i'm working on my photography or when i look at the images i've been making that remind me of the self that i frequently lose sight of here. this must mean i don't look at my work enough. i'm not acting, but i think some people might see this as acting as a way to find what i wanted to look for in my visual journey here. method acting everyday.

although not disenchanted with my purpose in thailand, these days my life is incredibly boring with routine and banal goals like eating more vegetables, exercising, and finding time to sit in a cafe and read. i have less energy to follow these routines. instead my inclination has been going to the cinema after work and eating steak or vietnamese food, or vietnamese food with steak.

the only exciting thing really is almost two weeks of traveling next month for work. going back to Ban Thung Yao for a training and hopefully being able to finish a roll of film there! there are many photographs from april waiting to be developed. then off to a 'network dialogue' and a study tour of a very strong community in Mae Hong Song with Thailand's CF Network leaders. lots of good photo opportunities there, which mean opening my eyes at all time and knowing where everyone is and what's gonna happen.

my body is feeling very crazy. i just started a journey of making 24 maps, which means super intense 4 hour intervals of sitting in front of the computer. exhausted by the sheer focus, but the (educational) profit will be good - i can feel it in my back ache! i'm only on the first map, but my pace and efficiency has been picking up quickly. 24 maps of community forests!

not feeling like my usual physical self after sitting all day long. instead of running, i want to just lay down and read more poetry from this wonderful website that e.youle sent me. i always felt guilty that i only had one other internet source for poetry (but it's very good!). now i can feel a little bit more relieved because i have two!

this weekend i discovered an amazing library/resource in bangkok! everyone i know has heard a great amount of enthusiasm about the Thailand Creative Design Center from me. they respond by saying that they're surprised i had not heard of it before. i'm so very grateful that it's now in my lyfe, but it's a bit sad to me that such a wonderful collection of information is guarded by a paid membership (the amount is much harsher for foreigners). it makes sense but it doesn't make sense (the part of me that doesn't get it is spoiled by my past experiences with amazing, amazing, free libraries). i have been craving a space like that in my bangkok-life that is aesthetically and educationally designed for true study!

this place also houses an archive, one of seven in the world, called material connexion. this is a sculpturists', texilist's, or anyone who makes physical objects dream come true! a brilliant, 3-d, library of innovate and sustainable materials.

a very rewarding weekend to have discovered this place and spend all of my sunday editing photographs as a way to start thinking about sequencing and applying to grants. i also think i might be ate the point of understanding what this year has been all about.

in love with the way some people think.

i have unbelievable faith - a feeling beyond knowledge - in autonomy, complexity and the relationship between effort and reward, in others words meaningful work and diligent study. and true study is a form of experience.

why do we search for new things? because we don't need to understand something we already know twice.

whoa, sally gall. why have i never heard of you before?

Sometimes i don't feel worthy shooting in color- that it's just not my medium. It's because I spent so long trying to understanding why black and white prints, if done well, felt sculptural. I feel like i really get black and white, and it makes my heart so warm to see it done well. Especially these years when digital looks too good to be true. Each definition in the frame attempts to be sharp on behalf of our believed reality, but our own eyes don't even see with that kind of precision. What we've created is beyond us. At least the color of film speaks through the grain and ashiness, which is mountains more sculptural than the images we see today.

the first and second image remind me of another pie-in-the-sky. my adventures in the swamps of georgia and florida. i must go. i will go. and i'll stop in new orleans to gets oysters on the way.

"You can’t be an artist and have your identity reside in only one thing. The thing that you master will become a stranger to you, and you will outlive it or you will need to live into something else. You will always need to be educating yourself to the complexity of your feelings as they grow, and you don’t want to do something twice, really. Everything that makes you an artist in a sense is the way things are understood; how they fit together in ways that have not been understood before. How can you discover the inherent value that’s hidden in things that you haven’t yet seen? It’s in that sense that you want to do something new."

satisfaction - more or less, a perfect day

breakfast. writing. second breakfast. grocery shopping. reading in a cafe to elevate the mind. came up with challenging questions and tasks to push my photography/thinking/learning e.g.:

1. make a list of my prejudgements before looking at works of art. (the clearer I am about these, the more likely I will not misjudge the ones made by others)

2. should readers know my personality/history to understand my work better?

3. knowledge vs. opinion. what 'problems' ('questions') am i creating in my work and do I offer the information (in my work) to answer or respond to these questions? and what are my opinions?

4. look at other photographers/artists in relation to each other. (create a conversation between two artists to create living issues from their bodies of work)

5. am i contributing to the conversation, the history of great photographs and photographers? am i moving the conversation forward? if not, how can i?

6. have more live discussions about my work.

7. do i deceive myself about my ability to read (visual materials) intelligently?

I spent the last hour chipping away at number four. I compared Alessandra Sanguinetti with Erika Larsen. Similar, but important comparisons. For inspiration/faith, I draw from Sanguinetti's On the Sixth Day, and Larsen's Sami. I find myself in between both of them when I think about the work I want to make - FILM, NATURAL, LIGHT, COLORS, WARM, NICE LANGUAGE, LAND, LIVING, and DEPTH OF FIELD.

In my photographic research this evening (the best kind of Saturday night always), I found these amazing interviews of photographers talking about their work/experience at this intense photojournalism program. The first video harnesses all of the integrity I want in my work, and in a way renewed my commitment just listening to height of quality that can be achieved if you work hard. Plus it's indispensable to listen to these photographers talk about the emotional attachments they have to their work and the persistence that is needed in carrying out their projects.

With that said, I've got to go back to the working table. Think about some of these Q's, edit photographs, and lay out a master plan.

Work Etc.

With the exception of having breakfast, I think the first thing I should do today before anything else is write.

I've had a really wonderful week of traveling, working, and being frequently reminded and amazed by where I am right now. How many people can say they are exactly where they want to be, or where they have worked to be? In recalling my week last night with a friend, I was reminded again by how lucky I am to have had these opportunities this year - being in the field so often, meeting such lovely people- co-workers, villagers, and foresters alike, researching and thinking critically, even more so than i expected, about the meaning of forestry, the meaning of cultural landscapes, the role of citizenship in society, community, responsibility, and even (ugh) office management… ha, I really could go on, which is a cue that I can take myself so seriously sometimes. I even felt embarrassed about being so self-indulgent later that night.

Although, I made a mental note that if people want, they can really take more ownership of where there lives are at (although I took another note to not say anything like this to people who are feeling not as positive about their lives because it comes off as self righteous, rude and probably something else). Anyway, the idea that I love is that you should be aware of the choices you have, and in return the choices you can make. Understanding what is in that boundary (of choices), helps me, at least, see more clearly what is possible and also encourages me to be accountable for my own life.

Anyway! This is not a self help blog - I helped organize a study tour of one of the communities in N. Thailand I visited two months ago. It was for the donors of the organization I work for, so it had to be planned in an executive kind of way, but what sealed the deal was the awesomeness of the community. To be honest, we're just facilitators (including the organization's work as a whole), we just lead the way, but everything to be fascinated by is always done by the community.

I also had my first opportunity to do serious translating, which was amazing. It wasn't only the experience of sharing what was said. It helped so much that I had visited the community before and spent a lot of time researching their history, which in turn helped me share a lot of ideas and nuances that would normally be lost in translation. What was amazing was to share these unique and significant nuances of the community with other people, and truly feeling like the bridge between two different cultures. So cool and nothing like it. It made me wonder if I should do translating for a living. Another note, in essence, I hope my photographs from Thailand can serve as that, a bridge between audience and community, or community and community.

The study tour, facilitated by 2 of my colleagues also, was over sat and sunday with some leisure time in Change Mai. I had one day of rest and then went into work on Tuesday for a surprisingly good lecture on current global trends and challenges in CF. I met an amazing Senegalese man, who I wish had more time to speak on the developments of CF in Africa! It looks like he does great work with the communities and the youth there. More specifically, his perspective on what a model forest is very interesting as it looks at the participation of the community differently than what I've been exposed to here. Also the first speaker, Dr. doris, was admirably articulate and a great debater (another mental note, i want those skills). She made great points that elevated my state of being!

By 2 pm, I was leaving for Khao Yai National Park, where my unit would be conducting a REDD+ and climate change training to Thai natural resource-related government officials. I had never worked with foresters before! It was exciting to be in a room full of them and to see the faces of so many people who have the responsibility of actually managing and maintaining forests. Surprisingly, only 4 out of 50 trainees interact or work with communities as part of their work. My favorite part of the training were listening to the questions trainees asked- its how you know what was or wasn't digested, or better yet, how it was digested. I got back last night, friday, from that trip. In addition to being my first training, it was a great co-worker building trip, as there were opportunities to gossip and get the scoop on love lives and go night safari-ing, where we saw wild elephants, a huge porcupine, an owl, poisonous snakes and more. They're all so sweet and cool even if they make fun of my Thai/are charmed by it. However, I'm starting to think that it's totally a legitimate way to speak because I'm having great fun with the language even if it means purposely using words wrong.

All in all, another great week in Thailand. It's taken me a little while to get back into my groove after being home. I've got lots of work, but couldn't be more happy about truckin' through it. More photographs to add to my CF series as well! I need to take about 6 more pictures before I can develop and show, but hopefully soon. Another trip out of town a week from now- yay!

my goal today is to stay up past 9 pm and wake up no earlier than 6 am. i thought i'd get over jeg lag quicker.

time in LA was intense. let's just say i'm thinking about post-december a lot and the variety and slew of responsibility that will be flooding into my lyfe then.

i feel guilty that i am losing focus on my mission in thailand as a result of it. other things on my mind include food. i think about food all the time actually and all the different things i want to try to cook. some of these things include:

conceptual pastries

fig and walnut rolada

vegan and gluten free dishes

meatballs

herbal ice tea experiments

ornate root vegetable stews

checking out loads and loads of cook books from the public library and cooking for my mom and i.

fried garlic and herb mixtures as salad toppings (currently frying lemon grass and garlic... as of recently, i eat about one garlic bulb a day)

ramp dishes!!! (ramps and potatoes, ramps in a seaweed salad, ramp rice omelette, ramp biscuits)

i really don't feel like my usual self lately. far from disenchanted, but really seeking SO much alone time. I would say 80% of my day is to myself. never bored, but pensive the entire time.

I just want to be understood

getting reading to get on an airplane tomorrow. such a simple preparation. everything is packed, nothing is overweight, and with plenty of room to spare. looking forward to a cooler climate! ready to wear sweaters and socks! low 60s might seem like nothing to people, but i will love it. it's 90+++ here. will be sweating in my sleep even with the aircon on tonight. funny thing my uncle said tonight:

"god, aren't you mighty lucky that you were born into a middle-class family if not only because you can sleep with some air conditioning?"

unrelated, but also amusing: my aunt is obsessed with kipling backpacks and totes and after introducing her to ebay she has officially given me the run down on what kind of backpack she is looking for if i ever come across it on ebay, you know, over the next year or two. her requirements (a good thing to know):

no drawstring opening

front pockets for change

navy blue, olive, or brown

NO red, orange, or turquoise

roughly 12"h x 10"w x 6"d

light weight

padded straps

------------------

In terms of work, waiting for the article to get published, working on making a bunch of maps (not EZ), and potentially revisiting community's (!!!) to check for map accuracy and collect additional information on land use (!!!). there's a chance I can work on a larger, better funded case study post-current-contract that is gender-related, get some videography work on case studies and/or be a co-writer for a case study. not putting all of my eggs in one basket, but those would be amazing follow up jobs to this one. These are fun ideas to ponder about, even if they never materialize. makes me wonder if I should try going to school for anthropology. Good thing, I know what I really want.

Feel like I'm getting so much out of work lately. I wonder though, if they feel like they're getting good things from me? I hope so. the impact of strategic communication is difficult to monitor. But if I weren't writing about Thailand activities, who would be? I'm part of what makes the information available, and hopefully, it is also accessible. Is it weird that I go to bed wondering if people understand me and the language I use?

I have been so affected by How to Read a Book. I just want to be understood.

Just finished a first draft of a really heavy (for me) article on gender and community forestry, more specifically how women's participation is linked with women's representation. The more I think about it, this is something i would love to explore more explicitly in CF and photography. It's such a cool little niche of questions, especially when I am concentrating on how women see themselves, how they think other people in the community see them, against who they really are - all of this with the forest as a background.

I would say before writing this article, I just didn't and couldn't synthesize what it meant to see such empowered women in a community like Thung Yao. I'm really glad I wrote this article, if not for readers of the material, for myself.

What I got: a better understanding of what it means to be a citizen in a community. The potential we have as decision-makers. Fulfilling this role.

Why do they not teach these things, i mean really teach these things, to sub-adults earlier?

you are my what

headache from exhaustion!!!

very little time to update these days; very little time for everything it seems. much of the ordinary and calmingly mundane tasks need to be done after a good friend (mm) visited me here in bkk for two weeks. sorrowful, but also a frustrating good bye because i was so damn tired - not completely my best self. but hey, we island hopped for 6 days, trekked on non-developed forests, and partied a little too hard on and off islands.

going back to the US soon and am losing concentration at work about it. i need write a good one about gender and CF. it's been fermenting in my brain since last week, and i think since i left work early today to go home and sleep (but listened to weird non-vocal music instead) i should start writing about it today. this is what procrastination sounds like from me. strangely, it doesn't happen often enough because it feels unfamiliarly comforting to worry about something not getting done.

also i feel an illogical hate for all contemporary movies right now. why do we even bother to express ourselves in the one million embarrassing lights of hollywood? and why are we so misinformed, under-educated (including myself), and/or just wrong? a lot of displaced and irrational feelings from exhaustion. i just don't want to be around anyone for the rest of the week.

during research

At work, doing research for a new article. My interest in community forestry/forestry is here:

“The challenge for forestry is not just the restoration of trees or forestdwelling biodiversity, but also the growth of a political and social landscape that facilitates people’s abilities to make choices to secure
their livelihoods; to move beyond forests as a resource that maintains
them in poverty to forests as part of a wider livelihoods approach as a
means to step out of poverty.” (Hobley 2008).

this loud rain made me download loud rain soundtracks to go to bed to

i'm thinking about two things:

1. what i know of myself/what i believe in

2. what i am coming to understand of other people and other cultures/how that understanding influences my own beliefs (i say i understand because i feel empathetic towards the ideals that have been expressed to me, but in someways i might not understand if number one feels more reinforced.)

see, i believe that having faith in uncertainty and mystery contributes to honoring the world. if you've learned to be an observer of the world, and if it's mystery that guides you, you learn about patience and there is a great reward from that- sometimes but not all the time, but the idea is that something wonderful can come from your observations. at the center of my beliefs is this practice -being guided to wonder by mystery- which is what i am absolutely dedicated to. something else i believe is that we have no practical interest in even the soundest means to reach ends we do not care about.

with that being said, having more of number two in my life really tests things that fall under number one. with the abundance of number two, some people really try to blow your confidence about number one via age/experience (these can actually be valid points, but there are plenty of factors that make those elements invalid, such as this isn't 1977 and i'm of a different, more privileged (but equally grateful) generation). mostly, what i don't accept about number two is a negative attitude about life and about being able to do the things you care about. i don't accept this, nor will i, because i'd find my mind and body suffering like the people who do except this as a life-result. yes, there are times when you won't have the choices or opportunities you want in your life, but then what are you doing to make those choices happen, or to enable better opportunities?

and what about happiness? can we afford to lose that opportunity, even if it is a risk? what kind of life would you have if you never found out? how can you be here, on this planet, and not be in the world? i don't mean traveling, but i mean being involved, and caring about something other than yourself and your bank account. yes, my life is the complete opposite as yours (she studied something she disliked, she worked for 30 years at a job she disliked). i went to a school where i had the opportunity to study something i deeply loved, and my life thereafter has been dedicated to staying involved and studying these things i love and trying to make them applicable to a functioning life. i can't afford to think it's an impossible goal because i can't afford to be unhappy, ungrateful, or unmindful about the decisions i am making in my life. for that reason, following what i love also doesn't make me an inactive or stand-still person. it means i'm trying to figure it out until i get a golden triangle. i'm trying to make it work and it's definitely a learning process. so what if it involves work? i can't imagine anything better than feeling a great happy calm.

*in re-reading this, two weeks later, i think i sound like an asshole because 1. it doesn't sound like i acknowledge the privilege i've had to afford to think this way and because of 2. my inconsideration for her life experiences and her attempt to share them with me. given the opportunities i've had and the way it has shaped my life/thinking, should my outlook change? i'm looking for a reason to not search for the happiness i have defined (for the time being) for myself, but i can't seem to find one.

Portraits of the mind. I mean, photomicrograph of the molecular scaffolding of axons.

And amazing photographs of tequila and vodka and...

r. krulwich

"You will build a body of work, but you will also build a body of affection, with the people you’ve helped who’ve helped you back. This is the era of Friends in Low Places. The ones you meet now, who will notice you, challenge you, work with you, and watch your back. Maybe they will be your strength.

…

If you can… fall in love, with the work, with people you work with, with your dreams and their dreams. Whatever it was that got you to this school, don’t let it go. Whatever kept you here, don’t let that go. Believe in your friends. Believe that what you and your friends have to say… that the way you’re saying it – is something new in the world."

as you wish great grandfather

can't sleep. 2 am! also late night karaoke happening next door, but that has nothing to do with my mind wanderings and my inability to keep my eyes closed. i tried counting sheep, but that's so boring that my mind craves to be more active. i figured i might as well not waste time and work until i'm actually feeling tired.

still have a lot of photos to edit, but just not enough time. writing articles for work, which i'll post as soon as they come along.

last weekend, hung out with long lost family from the dad's side (i've only met once before when i was a baby). i slept at their house, where i took an amazing warm shower (i only have cold water at my apt), woke up at 5 am and drove several hours to visit my grandfather, grandmother, and great grandfather's grave in Layong for Quing Meng. I was expecting to go to a big chinese cemetery where there are mountains in the back and an ocean in the front. It's a feng shui thing. I think it's such an amazing tradition/celebration/ritual. I wish i had actually grown up with this, but living in America for most of my life, you just can't celebrate Quing Meng fully. It requires sweeping the tomb (keeping it clean), twisting the head of a whole chicken, and giving them crazy things like paper ipods and ipads -offerings for their afterlife- or stuff they'll never use or know how to use in their afterlife. I hope my great grandfather uses his plane ticket to heaven. i made sure there was a passport included, a bank account, and credit cards that expire 99 years from now too.

the most symbolic gesture, experientially for me, was repainting my great grandfather's name on his headstone with bright red paint in chinese. It felt weird to be standing on above his, most likely already decomposed, body and to consider how i am half of him (but really an eighth), in the sense, that my half comes from my father, and my father got his half from my grandfather, who got his half from his father. we cooked our ancestors lots of food, brought lots of fruit, lit very loud and messy fireworks, made donations to the temple they rest at, and prayed for them. although, because i never really pray, i had a difficult time thinking of messages to share with these past lives. the beginning of my prayers always began with, "hello. i'm related to you this way and this is my name. i wish i had known you. you look handsome in your picture. i wonder what you liked to eat during your life and what we might have in common today. potentially a lot?"

things to look forward to!
megan visiting and our island hopping adventure
visiting the anthropology center and watching their collection of rare films
reading doraeman comics
tabata training

brief

it's been so long that i can only catch up casually. lots of new photographs here from this month's two week travel. not everything, as i've been very busy at work with meetings and meetings and dialogues, but i'll get to it day by day.

the 11 days spent traveling were invaluable. saw, experienced, interviewed very much. exhausted at the end of every day. sometimes i couldn't remember who we saw, but that's why taking notes is good, and recording interviews is better. many open hearts and many happy to have listeners for their memories. i ended up visiting three, not two, villages and this was neccessary to appreciate the micro and macro cultures within community forestry. it helps to know what is different and why it's different. a lot of spirits involved and "real culture" (sometimes, don't you wonder if the people who follow fox news are really a culture?)... you know, the kind that you envision when you study anthropology at a liberal arts college!

last two weeks of this month, besides meetings, has been trying to think of ways to translate all this great material (i.e. how can i share it in a great way?) still working on this question. overall, i've been inspired by How to Read a Book and came up with a list of questions that help me evaluate where I'm trying to go in my work. It's important to have this dialogue with yourself. in this case, it's incredibly important to be honest, articulate, and as foolish as possible.

If there are elements that are illogical, non sequitor, or inconsistent, define the inadequacy precisely.

Have you solved all the problems you started with?

Have you made as good a use of the materials as possible?

Have you failed to make distinctions, which are relevant to your undertaking?

Does your audience (or you) fail to draw the conclusions, which your evidence or principle implies?

i think this kind of self-assessment has it's place, but so does following your instincts (if you've developed the skills for good instincts). this steinbeck quote puts my interest in communicating community forestry in perspective for me:

"If there is a magic in story writing, and I am convinced there is, no one has ever been able to reduce it to a recipe that can be passed from one person to another. The formula seems to lie solely in the aching urge of the writer to convey something he feels important to the reader. If the writer has that urge, he may sometimes, but by no means always, find the way to do it. You must perceive the excellence that makes a good story good or the errors that makes a bad story. For a bad story is only an ineffective story.”

other news? thai new years coming up and so glad that i have a visitor. in may, i'm heading back to california for two weeks to buy things that i can't get here because it's fake or is 4x the $. also to hang out with my family!

had a realization earlier this week that my canon scanner 9000 isn't great. now, i'm terribly loyal to my epson. it may take 1/4 of the time to scan my photos with the canon, but it's not worth the inaccurate colors/exposures/tones that i'm getting. it's a pain in the ass to edit, and i know my exposures are way better than how it is digitally translated here. makes me grumpy, but grumpily grateful to have a scanner in the first place.

pred nai, trat

waiting for my eggs to boil (my breakfast!). thinking about the last four days and how much i learned from seeing, doing, and listening. i can't wait until i have some courage to speak more. what will i be able to contribute?! more thinking and synthesizing needed on my part.

summary of activities: taking photographs, videos, and interviewing (don't know why i consider this separate, must be the spirit of communication) participants involved in the community-based research for mangrove reforestation in pred nai, trat. seriously, this is where science and local wisdom meet.

so wonderful to learn about the ecosystem and mangrove habitat locally, by which i mean through local names and learning from villagers how to discern the morphological differences between crab, fish, shrimp, and plant species. learning how to sex marine creatures and learning the best way to eat them and which ones have the most income value in the market. learning what it means to rely on your natural resources for income. eating crab you caught and measured earlier that day, by which i mean, tasting the freshest and sweetest crab i'll probably eat in my life. learning how important it is for communities to have skills and knowledge of this kind and how important it is that this is not lost. but this is also dependent on whether or not younger generations will need these skills, that is, will they choose to continue supporting their community forest? will the choose to return home to live a life there? learning about the challenges of community forestry, or rather the challenges of sustaining a community.

leaving for northern thailand tomorrow evening. be back in a week.

thank you

sending my thank yous. three this month. one last month. many more to go.

i don't care how old you are or where you are in your life or how many people you inspire, there are always people to thank (in big or in little ways). i wish i could remember more frequently how important it is to thank people before you forget, especially before people think you have forgotten (that may be the worse).

you say thank you, not for yourself, but for the consideration of the other person. your aim is to bring attention to the value they have brought forth in their respective way. that is a thank you. noting that, i think i've said thank you too many times out of selfishness. i was thanking people for the feelings they arose in me rather than the gift of their work or being. i understand the difference now. well, a fool then and a fool now (bc there are too many things to learn).

lots o' meetings today. one after another, three days in a row, so, so glad to be home. returning to the mangroves this weekend to observe collecting marine data. afterwards going to lampoon and mae tha in northern thailand- these communities speak a language i don't understand so i will not have the advantage i thought i had. interviews, collecting stories, visiting study sites, and hopefully identifying pivotal community practices both visually and historically. we will see!!!

csa in mae tha, chiang mai! (not my photograph)

life is looking up. it's like this when i know i am about to travel. haven't gone to any field visits since late january. since then my camera has been stuck at the 16th marker and those 16 photographs remain a mystery unless i can add 8 more. despite the lottery of having a hidden gem written on film and as long as it remains undeveloped (black, dark), it leaves one feeling very unproductive (and sad).

traveling is more than seeing. a lot of reading (in thai), trying to learn about the history of the places i am going to. went to auntie's this weekend and she helped me get through my material quicker by reading it out loud and going through unfamiliar vocabulary with me. it's the first time she has really seen the work i've been doing. she thinks the vocabulary is bullshit and i love that she feels this way. it's good to know how the academics articulate these ideas, stories, histories, hopes, but it's equally as important to explain it in a way where anyone can take the true meaning home. great ideas have never relied on technical or difficult words. (i feel resistant to using big thai words, definitely not resistant to learning them, but i'd rather not create a habit of relying on this diction. it creates an unnecessary distance between you and people)

simplicity has been my mantra for the last few weeks. strategy is another word i am coming to love. i have a better sense for what it means and i am also not afraid of making plans while acknowledging risks. by that i mean i kind of enjoy planning for risks and i'm trying to use this tactic to be more prepared.

lately, always feeling like that there is a great deal to learn. taxing and sometimes stressful because at times it seems like my aim is to collect a lot, but we all know that it's not about the destination. it's about being docile to learning, docile to being taught and to understanding.

the human mind is as naturally sensitive to questions as the eye is to colors. the eye will not see if it is not kept open, and the mind will not follow a question if it is not awake. how to keep the mind open, how to keep wonder in your life; because wonder is the beginning of wisdom in learning (from nature, from books, from etc.)

just finished watching what remains, the sally mann documentary. i've written about it here before, like i said, there are things that you always return to, keep close to you. she has an unbelievable stamina, perseverance, great mind - i have a deep, deep, deep respect for her work and her practice, of both art and life.

such joy this weekend. letting my mind work. tink, tink, and then think. ineffable appreciation for language, for books, for poetry, for thought. they're teachers, dead, but amazing teachers.

my two questions for the rest of 2012:
what are the most basic and indispensable elements for developing your mind?
what are the most basic and indispensable elements for understanding communities?

Related to my previous entry on the time spent on projects and fulbright, I'd like to make note on one of the few photographers I feel an affinity with. It's exciting for me to come across a recent article on Erika Larsen via New York Times that gives important insight on the process of such projects.

5 months is nothing here.

Alejandro Chaskielburg is another great one who still uses film and uses the most of moonlight.

saturday morning reflections

there are just things in the world that you keep returning to. if you feel lost, in the all of the multitude of ways that is possible, there are things that keep you grounded, certain things that you remember or keep close as way to navigate back to yourself. time and time again, this (b)log and what it contains proves to serve that purpose for me. writing in general is a relief, but only because it helps solidify the process of experience - it's so important to know what you are thinking - it can skirt by so easily, for me at least, that writing is an effective way of staying aware. lately, i've been so caught up in the workings of the ngo office that i've forgotten about my personal tenor. it never disappeared, but i forgot to listen.

the service, the role of this ngo is important. i believe in and with what they are doing. however, i often forget that amongst the rest of my coworkers, i am a different breed. i wasn't trained to be a marketer, a scientist, sociologist or forester or a lawyer. the skills that i have developed (among others) is based in visual thinking or visual communication with a particular stress in poetry, by which i mean using language for it's broadest spectrum of meanings. it's a different kind of observation, that presents different kinds of questions and resolves problems that you present from your observations differently. in one sense, working with these other professionals, i am bettering those other skills/habits required to be a scientist, forester, writer, or sociologist (actually, a few of them, like the latter, i am inspired by), but i remain a visual thinker. by no means am i the best, or a very strong visual thinker, but this is what i am passionate about and this is what i have been practicing since the age of 17. "... the artist or craftsman in any field differs thus from those who lack his skill. He has a habit they lack. (Mortimer Adler)" Above everything else, visual thinking is my habit.

there are many different titles and backgrounds at work, and with the lack of synergy at the office, this means that people don't really understand where you come from, actually, where anyone is coming from. i have a similar experience outside of work which is another way of saying that i miss my community of friends who i can share my experiences and interests with. some of my friends here think that my favorite movies are too slow or that the music i like is really vintage. actually, i think their responses are both cute and fair, but it means you can never have a serious conversation or a dissection of that work because they don't share an interest in that same discourse. however, we do share an interest in the discourse of community forestry but we use a different ways of thinking and mine is not necessarily equally valued because it does not address the problem or issues in a way that is effective in their field or even their language. that leaves me sometimes feeling insecure about what i have to offer and i also end up asking myself whether i can make my work more effective in a language that is closer to theirs.

more importantly, rather than adjusting my language to theirs, i am also asking myself, what do i need to do to make this project great? if i want to share the collective knowledge of community forestry expressed by the communities, and if all human knowledge is acquired from experience, how do i create a secondary or third experience for which others can understand the primary experience? the thing is that scientists and foresters are responsible for information, not necessarily responsible for making it accesible or understandable. but as an artist, i feel that my role is to create an interruption for understanding: to provide viewers with an opportunity to leaven their knowledge rather than just adding forgettable information to their lives. i may not be contributing to the expansion of community forestry or increasing a community's livelihoods, but can i help people understand these communities, some of the poorest and most reliant on natural resources, are making an empowering and powerful choice in practicing sustainable natural resource management?



a quick scan of a family taking home a seedling after the eastern provinces of thailand community forestry network fair in the district of bong tong and province of chonburi, *note: in established community forests, one of the biggest challenges these villages face is engaging their younger generations in learning about natural resource management to continue maintaing the community forest.

It's hard to not feel like there's something standing in the way - that maybe you haven't been honest to yourself about what you can do to be better. I think I need to start looking at my work more. Is it too measurable of a task for me to ask myself what this work needs to make it what I want it to be? I started doing that last night. I never liked photographing people before, it seemed extraneous, unnecessary. But in this project, people are necessary and I need to have more courage to photograph them. The project is asking for intimacy and intricacy to complicate this incredibly magnificent cultural history. It's becoming a much more narrative story than what I'm use to, but that is okay because sometimes different is good. This is the first project that I've attempted that comes from an established idea. It's like trying to write a great book- I'm trying to provide proof, or rather a beautiful argument that the world really looks this way or is this way. It does because I believe it to be so, so then the only thing that stands in my way is in my own skill in expressing this. I've barely skimmed the thought, by which I mean I've encountered this question without actually believing or thinking hard about it, but how many more projects, how many more years of my life will it take me to build these skills? This is a really difficult question to face because cowardice always comes out. If you're honest with yourself, the answer could be that you may never possess what it takes, but that is also the kind of answer that projects its own future. If you believe this answer, you will never possess that future, that dream is already an embarrassing memory.

I think I will go through many more projects. The number doesn't matter. The effort is more profitable than the product. I suppose it also depends on my hunger and my drive to satisfy my curiosity. I think there is probably a way to be strategic about all of this, although maybe we should call it Lyfe Strategy because there is always an unknown, but great algorithm for how life unfolds.

Well, I didn't pass the first selection of Fulbright candidates, which means no Fulbright at all. Goddamn, I put so much work into that application but it basically means that I am so glad I never waited around to hear from them and that it was the right thing to do to move Thailand when I did. Plan B worked.

I've put down i six nonlectures to read Mortimer Adler's How to Read a Book. While i'm not looking to be too well read, I would rather have read a few books well. So if given only a few choices, this book would be near the top of my list. It is an essential reference for being a stronger learner and a more receptive and active thinker.

What I've been gleaning is absolutely invaluable such as learning how to understand the difference between increasing your information and increasing your understanding. They are far from the same, although competitively equal in value. For example, while you can gain information through the acquisition of facts, it does not mean that you are understanding more. In fact your understanding remains the same, unleavened, if you do not learn the facts and their significance. Reading, as Adler defines, is "the process whereby a mind, with nothing to operate on but the symbols of the readable matter, and with no help from outside, elevates itself by the power of its own operations. The mind passes from understanding less to understanding more. The operations which cause this to happen are the various acts which constitute the art of reading." So to come to an understanding is an active effort that is in actuality a very powerful and empowering culmination of oneself.

In coining what makes a good book, Ernest Hemingway also touches on the experience of understanding the written word, "All good books are alike in that they are truer than if they had really happened and after you are finished reading one you will feel that all that happened to you and afterwards it all belongs to you: the good and the bad, the ecstasy, the remorse and sorrow, the people and the places and how the weather was. If you can get so that you can give that to people, then you are a writer."

Basically, I can't put this book down. This experience of understanding is clearly not limited to reading. I feel so lucky to have know the gift of art, to have felt like I was a receiver at a few points in my life.

my house is real, just not measurable

numbers have a place. numbers are important when you have people to report to. also some people see better by numbers. and some people or groups like things they can grab on to and so they know what to do next. it's quite helpful if you're in charge of many people.

when i stand next to this idea, i feel very short or very tall. i don't see eye to eye with her because it is the immeasurable that inspires me. it's not about the number of times --- that happens, it's that it's happening! it's really happening and it's going to be different every time it happens and you just have to be there!

for instance my most recent guest asked me a lot of measurable questions i didn't know and a little later i realized that i have very little interest in this kind of knowledge.

"how many people live in bangkok?"

"i don't know"

it turns out 12 million. i don't think about the bangkok as 12 million people. i think about how it smells like diesel, coffee, and jackfruit on very hot and crowded days. and if you turn on specific corners it also smells like jasmine and deep fried pork. and all of this will change with the fluctuation of people and what they order for lunch. in that case, numbers are have a say in what this city smells like, but is it numbers or something more impalpable that is a source for this decision? for a second though, I wondered if i should could consider knowing more measurable information. surely it wouldn't hurt to know more measurable knowledge, but somehow my memory is not inclined to holding that kind of information.

measuring feels especially horrible in situations where there is no need to measure. for instance, when you stand yourself next to someone else and you make yourself see all the irrelevant contrasts- all the things that make you feel bad, unless you are egotistical and in that case, all the reasons that make you feel good. it still doesn't matter.

my eyes crossed this text many weeks ago. although i have read the first part of the text years and years ago, when i read the latter half i knew i had believed in this my entire life:

…so far as I am concerned, poetry and every other art was and is and forever will be strictly and distinctly a question of individuality…poetry is being, not doing. If you wish to follow, even at a distance, the poet’s calling (and here, as always, I speak from my own totally biased and entirely personal point of view) you’ve got to come out of the measurable doing universe into the immeasurable house of being…Nobody else can be alive for you; nor can you be alive for anybody else. Toms can be Dicks and Dicks can be Harrys, but none of them can ever be you. There’s the artist’s responsibility; and the most awful responsibility on earth. If you can take it, take it–and be. If you can’t, cheer up and go about other people’s business; and do (or undo) till you drop.

i'm crazy about this

toasted coconut flakes
toasted peanuts
dried shrimps
diced ginger
diced lime with peel
shallots
tamarind sweet sauce

in

fresh grape leaves

spirit caves, we made it

a wild half week of serious traveling. just one day of cave hunting but i'll never forget it: crawling/swimming through 2 ft high cave holes with cave water up to your chin to get to a very dark and loud waterfall. and walking through the most beautiful mountain side of agricultural land with a shan man named ong who knows his local flora. tasting along the way, i became translator for the different things we came upon from wild grazing cows making songs with their harmonious bells (or rather cows delegated with bells according to size) to the bright red sweet and sour flowers, medical herbs, and agricultural crops. we were only a few kilometers from the myanmar border.

i also received a very important book recently which is putting me in my place every time i turn a page. in i six non lectures, e.e. cummings paints the integrity of artists in almost its entire complexity in such a way that i no longer feel lost or confused in the midst of pursuing my calling. As he quotes Rilke from Letters To A Young Poet, he sings the song of my loneliness that has been so present in my life despite the dream i am living- then he reminds me why my curiosity is my compass (and great navigator) through the loneliness i chose:

"Works of art are of an infinite loneliness and with nothing to be so little reached as with criticism. Only love can grasp and hold and fairly judge them." (Rilke)

In my proud and humble opinion, those two sentences are worth all the soi-disant criticism of the arts which has ever exists or will ever exist. Disagree with them as much as you like, but never forget theme; for if you do, you will have forgotten the mystery which you have been, the mystery which you shall be, and the mystery which you are --