i have, in my head, a lot of mental notes that i want to remember and share with everyone, but i always forget. something about my uncle doing something very funny. or maybe something i saw on sky train? something about how horrible the flooding situation is in thailand? ah, i think i thought about my mom doing something funny, or something she would do on sky train and it made me smile very big and miss her terribly. and flooding is expected in bangkok this weekend. water washing down from the north.

killed a roach today. medium size. one less roach in this building!

the more i read thai, the better i feel about walking around this town. i also got exposed to some amazing old thai music. i think it's beautiful and the stories are so poetic, tragic, and romantic. such as one song, น้ำตาแสงไต้, tears of light, an inauspiscious love story about a soldier who rows a royal boat into land, breaking the the boat. such consequences result in death, but the king excuses him and the man returns to say that he must die for his wrong doing. it is the law and if the king lets him go, others will do wrong thinking they do not deserve to be punished. the king kills him and the wife, who honors this decision, but cannot help having a broken heart. it's about the splendor and sadness of her tears, which sheds like a candle burning in the night.

i think i would love thai poetry. if only i knew more vocabulary... i think my situation with my confidence in my command of thai is very similar to what i experienced with my english in middle school, and then later, art, in college. i didn't have enough of a vocabulary to talk about what i was thinking or what i was feeling. it's so frustrating knowing that something very deep in you cannot be reached and shared with other people. no one in my family sees the point for me to learn thai beyond simple conversation. they're incredibly discouraging about it, how it's a waste of money, but the purpose behind my interest in learning thai is beyond a quantitative result.

it's fascinating how as an individual you will consider how much you've changed or grown, but in the eyes of your family, they consider you exactly the same, as if you are just how are you.



ah i remember what it is i wanted to say: i washed my clothes by hand the other day, but i must have done something wrong because each piece smells like a different kind of curry.

wish i had a camera:

aunt in the mango tree with pink rollers in her hair. pruning by axing the lower branches that did not produce fruit this season. right up in the middle of the tree. woke up to the sound of this and went outside and she laughed hard when i asked her what in the world was she was doing.

i dragged all the debris to our very long compost yard. chilis are getting ready to pick. bright red meaning very, very spicy.

fulbright campus interview tonight. keeping awake with game of thrones. ready? hmmm, we'll see. the questions could be about anything so i am prepared with little bits of information about everything. thai events, us events, brazil events, uk events.

one banana left from the plume of 9 that we started with yesterday. all me. two and half of those bananas are equal to one american banana.

I'm still collecting

The memorable people for me represent that vast population of young and old of every hue and origin who gave up comforts and convention to answer their conscience, who are guided by their moral compass to difficult challenges and who are determined to make a difference. They lived in the real world and they took responsibility for it. They did not attach themselves simply to a virtual experience and find satisfaction in a search engine. They were boots on the ground, hands in the dirt, nights in scary places, healing and courageous. They stepped into the unknown and they made it more welcoming for the rest of us.

"certified family forests" are all over the country

It's so nice to learn about photographers you've never heard about, especially a classic like Eliot Porter. His brother is also an amazing painter. Their family owned a private island in Maine, which was an inspiring residency for their work.

Back at the aunt's for a couple days. Enjoying the fresher air. Cramming in a lot of Thai. Learning beautiful words like ความร่วมมือ, which means cooperation but translates more literally into joining of hands. Quite fitting isn't it? Then you have words like ชุมชน, which means community, but translates into crashing rally. Very ominous actually. I also like the word ทะเลทราย, which translates into sea of sand (desert)!

I'm feeling more confident walking around this town speaking Thai, but I think I got too cocky and confused the girls at 7-11 when I asked them about how I could add minutes to my phone. I later found out that you're actually suppose to say, how can I add money to my phone. In my walks about town looking for an air conditioning mechanic I came across the most amazing mini plaza. You can't tell that it's a plaza because the entrance is but a tiny walk way next to a coffee stand. At first I thought, wow, this coffee stand is very popular, and very deep.... so many people are disappearing back there. I walked by a second time and noticed a sign for GYM and YOGA and decided to run back there- THE BEST THAI VEGETARIAN FOOD EVER. They have an amazing variety and affordable selection of yummies, including fresh squeezed juices and a giant bag of juiced wheatgrass for a dollar. They have dessert stores, music classes, language classes, yoga classes etc. What I've described is actually known as the Banana Family Park!

I think I may have potentially made a friend down the street! He works at this restaurant I like to go to where there is always the owner, an old chinese lady, sitting out front and a very fresh lady chef. This potential new friend said, you're not Thai are you? I laughed and explain that I'm almost Thai because my parents are. He continued to say I look Japanese. This is often meant as a compliment because for some reason Thai people think the Japanese are better.

Dream Internship (still unofficial) wants me to be a journalist/social media correspondant as in speak to Thai journalists, be a kind of representative, or face for community forestry. Yikes. Thai can be broken down into five different registers/social contexts, only one of which can I actually speak (street/common Thai), the rest, formal, religious, rhetorical, and royal Thai I barely understand myself. This is to be discussed, but everything else about the job seems very worthwhile as it underscores exactly what I want to do in my Fulbright project. I am taking deep big breaths because I think I may have already screwed up my chances with Fulbright. I hope my hard work and references will allow them to show mercy on me.

Green Behind the Ears - Kay Ryan

I was still slightly
fuzzy in shady spots
and the tenderest lime.
It was lovely, as I
look back, but not
at the time. For it is
hard to be green and
take your turn as flesh.
So much freshness
to unlearn.

sometimes it's fascinating to try to remember what kind of pictures you took because when it's finally developed you can compare your ideas to what you actually got. sometimes you think you took the most amazing photograph, but your best photograph is the one you barely remember taking.

-two monkeys, a mama and a baby, tenderly hugging each other in a collage of forest trees
-a monkey butt
-rice terraces off of bud
-creepy plant heads in a tree at the temple
-a view of a volcano from the plane
-these amazing banana palms that grow in the shape of a fan
-an altar in a midst of tropical plants
-a view of the rice fields from the plane
-my mom doing her laundry while my brother drinks coffee
-the special lime tree my in aunt's backyard
-the monsoon, although i feel this is the least likely picture to turn out
-my aunt descaling fish, another picture that is least likely to turn out
-volcano lake agriculture!
-a big pile of red chili peppers and a naked baby next to it
-a very large ordained tree
-an even larger ordained tree
-buddhist monks hanging their bright orange laundry

discovering bits of new things everyday about life in bkk: today i went to the bangkok art and cultural center, which has a small and okay free art library. not that many great books, but a super quiet library (e.g. amazing for studying). a cool exhibit on asian masks and bunch of cool thai soft sculpture/textile artists as well. i established a relationship with the man i buy my grapefruit from every morning. he is very nice and works right next to sky train. i also ate noodles for all three meals today at different great places within a block of the studio. my first noodle dish was bahmee moo (egg noodle soup with pork), yen-tha-foe (thin noodles in red soup with crispy wontons, fish balls, and thai broccoli), and sen-lek-tom-yum (thin noodles in tom yum soup). i studied thai at a really pretentious bicycle coffee shop, but it had a cool pyramid bookshelf. oh yeah, and i've been terribly sick with some shit cold fever that won't go away, but this song really keeps me alive:

international identity

life is filling out. yesterday was day 1 at my studio followed by going to a v. good art opening and an opportunity to meet new people with international identities- mostly young thai-americans who have lived here or there, part time in america, part time not, and seemingly happy to be in thailand. but what's cool is that i got to see some of the city in a way that my parent's would never be able to show me. a neat mini bar which neighbors a thai roots isan dance hall record store which is underneath bkk's version of painted bird, only in a 70's, japanese room.

what soothed me the most was being in the art space. i was using a language that is universal and independent of thai and english. i was glad to put this sensibility to use as i've been so worried about whether i'll be thai or american, or if i can just convince people that i am not american here. i'm learning that there's no use and that it's actually impossible because of the way i think and because of what i'm interested in. my history supports my direction, and my direction, which i frequently forget when i'm not surrounded by the things and people that i love, is to do a photography project. is it sad that i am most driven when i am alone? i'm starting to think so. i'm starting to think that it's selfish, but that it's something i need to do today and for everyday for the next year. do things right the first time and you won't have to go back and do it again. if i don't, one day i'll be very disappointed that i didn't have the courage to live through an opportunity. i'm learning through family history that we, the srivijittakars, are very courageous.

I'll be making attempt #2 to go to the place that sells salad greens soon. Yesterday, my aunt and I tried to buy fresh soy milk, but the woman had sold out. I commented on how hard it was to make soy milk recalling the time my friend had tried to make it. She disagreed and here I am drinking fresh amazing soy milk that my aunt made. We would have had more than two big mugs of soymilk, but she was broiling salmon when half of the milk had boiled out of the pot. Tomorrow we're going to try again!

Going to an art exhibit on Thursday. Really excited to see some of Thailand's art world. On my own also. Another little step of independence!

"If anyone died, you could just throw them right in there," said by little girl shoveling grit in the alley. I was walking by the neighborhood swamp. She was with her mother and her older sister. Right next to the swamp was a field with six young bulls butting each other- a pair were really at it, and two men stopped to watch.

I walked two more alleys down to turn right onto a bigger road and a dark man was shepparding his 7 bulls via scooter. He stopped to lead them to grassy patches and across the way was a grilled chicken stand, not in business, with slabs of rock on the grill indicating they were closed. Next food stand over, there was a table with a sign beneath that said "Food made to order", but the dog sleeping on top of all it indicated that this establishement was also closed.

I passed the international school to get to the place that sells salad greens, but it was closed and then I walked back home.

"... development is motivated by the need to resolve conflicts between the information from new experiences, and existing ways of thinking. This can referred to as maintaining cognitive balance, or equilibrium, and the general process of development is called equilibration. The dynamics of this basic mechanism do not change: they operate in the same way from infancy through adulthood."

swollen toilet paper like swollen doors- very heavy humidity.

i had my first dose of swim, the meditative lap lane kind, for the first time in a long time. it felt so good to do it and be only a few feet from the beach. i went to go visit my cousin in pattaya. we ate a delicious lunch, but after a nap in the car, i woke up disappointed by a dry throat from too much MSG. i'm trying to recall the slang for it here, "pookie" or something like that. something close to the word Pikachu.

its two days short of a week since my family left and i'm starting to feel the bug that wants to be on my feet and alone e.g. moved into an apartment, going to the library to pursue independent research, break the ice with my american accented thai, and start a photo project. i can think of one that i can do in the city already. if it doesn't rain this weekend, i think that's what i'll do.

torrential down pour as usual right now. i wish i could record it. amazing stampede of nature.

Sunday is jam-packed all over. More importantly, everyone is in a good relaxed mood. Pa Pu, Pa Joy and I took the sky train to a boat bus to eat at Sizzlers and visit the grand palace and Wat Phra Keaw, which can be found on the other side of Chao Phraya, the river that runs through Bangkok. This ancient palace and Wat Phra Keaw were built when Rama I took the throne. The hand work and artisanal effort put into the structure and detail of the architecture is simply stunning and unforgettable- distinctly Thai. We only spent half an hour there, but it's certainly the kind of place you need to spend half a day at. I'm going to go back, and I'm going to make sure I see the EMERALD BUDDHA (its actually jade, and has been traced back to being made in India several centuries ago). I'm also obsessed with the offerings, melted candles, and beautiful prayers that can be found at the temple.
Despite all the amazing food here, there is a major shortage of raw foods in my diet. For that reason Sizzler was amazing. It's so hard to find, let alone eat appetizing salad greens that won't give you dysentery. It's just not done here outside of sizzler, unless you grow your own greens. I ate maybe 10 plates of this crazy spinach I had never seen before that had a pink center and one soft boiled quail egg.
On the way back, we took a two-rowed truck taxi to the flea market by Pa Pu's house. She told me that American thrift stores has ruined her flea market experience here. The quality simply isn't as good, and that vendors overcharge for anything worthwhile. Regardless, I thought it was amazing and we're going to go back next week. A very vibrant food market is part of the scene. I found this scary guy selling the most amazing vintage Lee button down shirts and high-waisted corduroys. I've been assuming that vintage is an overlooked style in BKK as everyone is mostly trying to look very modern. Time for dinner. 4 kinds of stir-fried mushroom!

Bali

I shouldn't have waited two days since my return to write about Bali. I can't share detailed moments, but a lot of snippets like:

sweet bungalows with hibiscus flowers treating every surface
guest houses smelled of burnt moldy sweet corn
flowers behind ears
devotional religious practice
ayam- chicken
ikan - fish
bebek - duck
goreng - fried
nasi - rice
potatoes are expensive
mangos are sour sweet
for men: the first child is named wayan, second child is named Made, third child is Nyoman, fourth child is named Ketut
the forest is so fucking beautiful
i could have passed as indonesian
everything is wrapped is banana leaf
the weather is amazing, perfect actually
crystal blue pools wherever we go
temples are part of everyone's home
rice on foreheads help pure the soul
my first sun burn
menjangan island
pastel green melon bread
volcano agriculture
scootering to the highest point
swim
swim
swim
kite fighting
men spending all day collecting stones for offerings at their temple
mom being funny 1000x
searching for DEWA
4 of us sharing two twin beds
waking up in front of the ocean
"continental breakfast" - two eggs any style, horribly stale white toast, the worst jam, and okay butter, sliced fruit, and OJ from fake concentrated concentrate
"indonesian breakfast" - friend rice with scrambled eggs on top
balinese cowboys
smile really big to save yourself from an awkward tourist situation
tell them its the last day of your trip and you only have 3,000 rupiahs left so that they will leave you alone
swimming under a giant, powerful waterfall
swimming over live coral and 200000 underwater species
tan
tan
tan
food
food food
GREATEST TIME WITH MY FAMILY


It's monsooning here. I mean, golf ball sized rain drops making dinosaur foot stomps. Took care of my nephews with my aunt and uncle. We went to their fitness club where the kiddies put on their puff puff yellows and floated about. One of them is very sensitive about his ears and covered them the whole time. So not pragmatic! He cries when you try to convince him that he'll have more fun if he didn't do that. The other one peed while sitting on my uncle, so that they both look like they peed themselves. Eating so well as usual, some broccoli shrimp medley and pork sate for breakfast. Fried chilied fish for lunch. Fresh hot soy milk with tapioca, very spicy chicken and pork soup for dinner. Uncle is falling asleep to chinese sword drama set in the winter.