it's a late night, purposely, at my aunt's house. i never get internet this good so i like to stay up and watch movies, and then after seeing a movie, i go to my teenage place. it's not a naive place, but it is young and crazy and completely emotional, you know, the Heart of the heart. i love that place. i cherish that place. it's a home i'll never leave behind, but i think it shelters all things untangible and not realistic but absolutely desirable (subjective). admitting that really screws with me because as much as i respect the ordinary, i prefer to dream and sometimes only see the dream in a way that makes me walk towards it. one day, i hope i can admit that it's no longer a dream and that i'm actually there.

although, i just had this moment that made me really sad and upset that a part of my life wasn't going to work out, but i think i just need to think about it differently. i guess i keep thinking that my fate might already be made and i'll have to sit in that sadness forever. but i think that's an easy way out, and i'm pretty sure either way it comes down the power of choosing. and also rethinking/reframing the situation. i'm also upset about something that hasn't even happened so what good does that really do me? i keep forgetting that i have a choice and choices are great. i want to know/feel my choices for the same reason buddhist monks do not wear shoes... for awareness (they would know if they stepped on a bug). too bad at this point it isn't even about the choice, it's about being patient.