our faces seem ridiculously important. i suppose that is the first thing you see and then the eyes. but what if there were only the eyes, you know dangling on a string of flesh connecting from your neck? maybe there can be 4 strings of flesh, like a fork, a fork flesh for the eyes and the ears.

dyna is my family for the week bc everyone is in hawaii. she also plays my boyfriend. a more ideal boyfriend because she lets me get my work done. i miss the family that is in hawaii though. i talked to them today and they say they keep thinking about me which is nice. they say its the waterfalls and the tropical plants. they say they're going to show me a lot of pictures. i wish i had gone. i am putting too much thought into the work-filled weekend i have. but hey, im really close to finishing my FB proposal.

the packing begins. boxes of books and records first because those have been the least touched this year. what's next? everything else is hard because i am basically wanting my new life to start before i miss the old one, which will happen, through all of my anxiety and sadness, and then again, deep sadness. i think the scanning stops tomorrow, and then i put that in a box too. that means my photography updating is officially at a halt until my return from the east coast.

i should get rid of more clothes, but i feel indifferent about what i have, as in i don't hate anything. i wish this move was happening sooner.

as i sat on the couch thinking about all the things that belong to me, i realized i will leave a pretty spare apartment behind. strange, all the things we have in a house. what if you laid it all out on a picnic blanket? what if you were like that guy who only owned one hundred things? my brother wants to be that guy. half of the time i want to be that guy, but i'm definitely not that guy. too many plants to be that guy. too many pairs of jeans to be that guy.

i have spent a lot of time with my family in the last month. it's a kind of fulfillment that is different because you know you'll always know them, and you know they won't be that far, and because they'll certainly love you the whole day through. right now, i feel like there are a lot of extra people in the world, well in my world, and i am liking it small and kind and loving and real, because those people will tell you how it is better than anyone else.

my body is experience silence for the first time in a long time. it's nice. it's authentic silence because i want to be by myself for days on end. i'm not rummaging through thoughts. its just my body splitting through water like a canoe. smooth sailing, clean breaks. no turns. not looking back. trying not to at least.

i lie. it's not always nice. somedays you just want someone to love you the whole day through. it can't be done.