i have this horrible, and real, deep fear that all of my pictures will be out of focus. i haven't felt this kind of horrible anxiety and anticipation in a really long time. not a good feeling. in looking back, my first photographs with this camera were really amazingly sharp, and now i believe the images are looking blurrier and blurrier. god, and since my camera experienced a real crash this weekend, i'm praying to all the higher beings that the images came out right. the focus alignment is severely out of alignment, but i decided to shoot even after the accident because i figured there could be a chance that it could still work and i could at least eye ball it. it gave me such a headache. that's how bad the focus is. if the actual focus is that bad or even a little off, it means that any close up or low light photos will have a higher likelihood of being true trash. BABY JESUS SO MUCH ANXIETY AND ANTICIPATION. I will find out tomorrow when i go to pick up my film, but i'm at home feeling nothing but anxiety. i went over to my aunts house today and on the way back I realized I forgot to bring back my spare camera and extra film, which means taking another 2 hour trip there before i leave for Mae Hong Son this weekend.

the drawback of having a new and unique medium format camera is that you probably can't take it to any old camera shop, instead you need to send it to an autherized dealer. i'm totally crying inside. and shit, right before some of my most important trips. this means, i'll have to use the old mamiya c330, but fortunately, it's a really good alternative. she really is a workhouse. my only fear is that there won't be a consistency to the images...

one of the reasons why my anxiety is so large is that there were a handful of pivotal images made on this trip. the CF youth posing as a bicycle gang. youth surveying the forest. mushroom hunters - many!!!! more rice factory images. rice fields. amazing women cooking. ugh etc etc. WE WILL KNOW TOMORROW. Putting my anxiety under the pillow. Back to applying to grants.