i've been fairly depressed for who knows how long. definitively this week, but most likely longer.

i've been biding my time... meanwhile there is a lot of couch investment these days. my description will sound leisurely and productive, but it's at that slow-depressed-pace while reading octavio paz, writing to emma, researching exhibitions i can submit to, and watching really bad indie dramas that i fast forward just so i can see the ending at least. it's suppose to get rid of the anxiety i have about getting out of this cage. the rambling bug, you could say. but also the deep deep desire to be in something worthwhile, neck deep. i am working towards it. i have so much anxiety that i am going to start meditating tomorrow morning before work so i can feel peace, or just no anxiety. i mostly sway back on forth on what i should be doing. i'm too comparative, i know this.

i just wrote to emma about how is it right to bag up what i really want to do? i don't think it is. it keeps jumping at me, but the economy is so goddamn bad. can you believe it? it's so real.

i sigh a lot these days, eat a lot of home made (fancy looking) pizza, and i sleep just 5 hours every work night. at least z's amazing grandparents are in town.

i can't remember who said it anymore, but there are people who are good beginners and then there are people who are good at middles. i think i am always a beginner.