now that i'm in thailand i can think

sometimes you're in that shitty mood where you're emotionally and physically exhausted because you care too much about your job and what's left is lamb meat brain today. plus, you haven't showered in three days and you wear your hair in a bun hoping no one will notice the grease (you didn't have time to take a shower bc you wanted no less than 4 hours of sleep each of these last three days) and then you realize you haven't had anytime to feel anything or think about anything remotely close to yourself except in your attempt to try to do a few minutes of exercise a day.

and then you have inner dialogue that goes, "okay- i feel raw and rubbed down to only feel my most basic needs because i barely eat and sleep and now all i want to do is feel sad and take my head to place where it belongs: poetry."

this one, now that i am in madrid i can think by f. o'hara, makes me feel particularly at home inside myself:

I think of you
and the continents brilliant and arid
and the slender heart you are sharing my share of with the American air
as the lungs I have felt sonorously subside slowly greet each morning
and your brown lashes flutter revealing two perfect dawns colored by New York

see a vast bridge stetching to the humbled outskirts with only you
Standing on the edge of the purple like an only tree
and in Toledo the olive groves’ soft blue look at the hills with silver
like glasses like and old ladies hair
It’s well known that God and I don’t get along together
It’s just a view of the brass works for me, I don’t care about the Moors
seen through you the great works of death, you are greater

you are smiling, you are emptying the world so we can be alone together.

but you read it quickly and hang out with friends who don't talk about sadness because they value sarcasm more. you forget about all the sadness until you get home and finish those few minutes of exercise. and then you read the poem attentively with the kind of concentration it deserves.

you also recall hanging out with someone you didn't know that well in college recently in this new universe that you live in. it was so surprisingly nice. something about that- where you were, who you with, and what you were doing or maybe it's the overlapping history you share- allowed this really warm part of you to come out in way that convinces you that you haven't been yourself this whole time. the warmth of feeling comfortable in your vulnerability with someone that makes you question how much of yourself is really here. the feeling came with the complete disregard for my surroundings about as if i had been here for a long a time and it was so normal to see an old friend in a new city. or the fact i could tell someone that as often as there are amazing, life-changing developments here for me, i live alone in that experience. there's really no way to share it with anyone and i feel so sad that this is just how it is right now. i also told him that the guiding light for me here is how much i'm inspired the unwritten future of youths and how well they hold their own torches as they create these amazing paths.

a heavy work week. i came out alive though.

god bless the long weekend and all of the nothing i wish to do. there is such great joy in finding your mind walking in the dark.

what make of a man are you? what is your spirit held through? my spirit will be held by all of my lovers in my flowery bed. what makes the body be close?

i am still struck after watching a certain film. i've been trying to explain to everyone how it has affected me, but i can't do the impact justice. i hasn't been quite a week, but i think about the film all day long, replaying the very sad scenes of human relationships. on my last day of my accidental three day religious pilgrimage in chaiyaphum, sitting on a big tour bus back to bangkok, stuck in traffic and watching 21 firework shows and hitting one car during one of our three u-turns, i came up with an anecdote/answer that relieved me a little bit of the curse/blessing this film has given me: you need to find someone that you can call home. and then it totally makes sense to go to all the amazing/scary places that relationships go to. if you don't have that, then what do you really share? that was the only answer that made me feel better. and even then you don't always change together, grow together, at least there's a hope for respecting each other. that's the scariest thing about any kind of relationship- it's whatever chance there is to lose respect for one another- this applies to your work, your boss, your friends, etc. i like the idea of finding someone who embodies a home because i can't think of better metaphor for a person that just gets better and better with time.

on my pilgrimage, we walked three days straight. it happens once a year, for 8 days, in different rural provinces of thailand. we wake up at 4:45, pray and meditate until 8 am. pray some more and let the monks eat. walk with all of your belongings until 11 am where we pray before we eat and then walk until 4 or 5 pm. we don't eat dinner, just a hot herbal drink, or ovaltine. and then we meditate and listen to lessons for the day. and then off to bed in a tent.

my favorite part was seeing the agricultural/forest side on foot and visiting forest temples. if i stayed through the end of the trip, we would have landed at the big mama forest temple, but oh well, i was due back at work. there is one thing that i lost the chance the document which was a field of dragon fruit being propped by big upside down dead tree trunks. other than that, i think i took a few alright photographs. well, actually, you just don't know. they could all be horrible.

actually, my real favorite part was getting off the bus at 4:30 am, getting picked up by my friend's friend to take us to her hut in Tatton national park, where she works. we ride in the back of her pick up truck at 5 am, the start of the morning markets, and we're stopping for breakfast errands on the way to the national park. it's actually freezing, and absolutely dark except for our headlights and the stars and the wind is making my hair whip like crazy. we wake up and take another truck bed ride only now it's 7 am and i had gotten 2 hours of deep sleep and i'm happy to see this kind of golden light in the middle of young forest. i can identify cassava and rubber trees like the back of my hand now.

(it was an accidental pilgrimage because i thought it was a work trip. i guess my thai still isn't that good)

hungry

I'm thinking about three things.

a. i never want to be not living life, existing mindlessly, unaware of the god in all the small things . Even when I'm going grocery shopping, I want poetry to be running through my head.

b. the truth: i'm walking to my own beat. i'm too much of a coward to grow with anyone, to change with anyone. but, i will respect everyone.

c. a response a director had to working on a film/script for 12 years: "whenever you dream something up you’re walking a fine line between delusion and reality."

4. seeing others as a landscape: the heart on top of the montana mountain you must get to, who knows how long it'll take, you'll have to walk through all the flat lands and hills, it will be worth it. but when do you meet someone like this? i've been told apparently everyday

___________________
something i jotted down on my sky train ride home:

why my uncle is laughing severely:
day 1: i come to their house, bringing only a duffle bag of dirty clothes
day 1: i launder all of my clothes including the ones i wore to their house, leaving me to wear the clothes my mom left there
day 1: he says we can only go to a restaurant where the items are 60 baht or less because of the way i look
day 1: the dogs are barking at me because of the way i look
day 2: mom's clothes are dirty, so i wear my aunt's clothes, uncle says i look just like auntie, age and everything
day 2: the dogs are barking at me because of the way i look

it's a late night, purposely, at my aunt's house. i never get internet this good so i like to stay up and watch movies, and then after seeing a movie, i go to my teenage place. it's not a naive place, but it is young and crazy and completely emotional, you know, the Heart of the heart. i love that place. i cherish that place. it's a home i'll never leave behind, but i think it shelters all things untangible and not realistic but absolutely desirable (subjective). admitting that really screws with me because as much as i respect the ordinary, i prefer to dream and sometimes only see the dream in a way that makes me walk towards it. one day, i hope i can admit that it's no longer a dream and that i'm actually there.

although, i just had this moment that made me really sad and upset that a part of my life wasn't going to work out, but i think i just need to think about it differently. i guess i keep thinking that my fate might already be made and i'll have to sit in that sadness forever. but i think that's an easy way out, and i'm pretty sure either way it comes down the power of choosing. and also rethinking/reframing the situation. i'm also upset about something that hasn't even happened so what good does that really do me? i keep forgetting that i have a choice and choices are great. i want to know/feel my choices for the same reason buddhist monks do not wear shoes... for awareness (they would know if they stepped on a bug). too bad at this point it isn't even about the choice, it's about being patient.

do you know the difference between love and obsession? no

home from chonburi! back with the most amazing foods: nam prik (courtesy of the school hosting the event) and deep-fried, honey-fermented fingerling bananas! they are also known as "god helps the fried bananas". I also brought back a bunch of forest cuttings and seedlings with me (they were left over from the event)! Now I have plants at home! About 8 different plants, from forest bamboo to some hard to find hard hoods. I hope they don't mind living in the city with me. I am naming one of them Bo Thong after the district we visited. My boss is so lucky she had the space to take home a Lam Yai tree (one of the most delicious Thai fruits).

Highlights of the trip:
at least 3 awesome photographs from the trip
discovering these fried honey bananas
having QT time with my very cool boss and co-workers
seeing monocultures of rubber plants (thon yang para), eucalyptus (thon yuca), and sugar cane
seeing more of Thailand
the OK to do field research in a CF in Chiang Mai every month!!

A Nam Chiao villager hunting for duck shells, Trat, Thailand.

Yay! My first article!

And back to Chonburi this weekend for a Five Eastern Province Community Forestry Network meeting- so very excited.

yes. i can finally share new thailand photographs with you. spent the last three days scanning in 200 stills, about another 100 to go. it will be shared here: http://estallion.tumblr.com

i & you & is

feeling spiritual insomnia right now:

"Art is a mystery; all mysteries have their source in a mystery-of-mysteries who is love" (note the "who" denoting aliveness, as opposed to "which" denoting undeadness): "and if lovers may reach eternity directly through love herself, their mystery remains essentially that of the loving artist whose way must lie through his art, and of the loving worshipper whose aim is oneness with his god."

from estlin

the sweat rolls down my back

Today I realized my soul is dedicated to staying hungry. I know My soulmate will also be hungry.

I'm having a love affair with masters of poetry, like e.e. cummings, i thank You God...for everything which is natural which is infinite which is yes, (now the ears of my ears awake and now the eyes of my eyes are opened).

Like all matters of the Heart, you know when you find it, what you truly love.

I can't imagine a better way of spending my Saturday night: scanning negatives, seeing what has culminated from my time in south east asia. I did it! I accomplished mission film scanner today. I thought it would be impossible, but I did it and I bought it and I'm going to have the most self indulgent weekend working on what I love the most. And from here on out, I'll get to share my work with you and I'll never have to wait so many months to see all of my visual investigations.

also becoming obsessed with the whole world catalog. the real charm comes from a hard copy but a soft copy is good enough when im trying to get my hands on everything i can read. TWO things I learned today:

1. Everything is an experiment
2. Don't try to create and analyze at the same time. They're different processes.