Today I have to share something I saw in a film. A few scenes that completely moved me. It made my heart turn inside out, an amazing feeling that I feel so infrequently these days. That is my fault as I don't really take the time to indulge in such emotionally striking visual pleasures like I use to. OK:

1. An orangoutang looking so sad, near death, picked up by some local men in a recently cleared forest. It seems like maybe the orangoutang encountered some kind of an event that led to his current bad state. It is unclear if they are sympathetic, but two men shove the orang. into a duffle bag- he fits! I can't believe it. He looks smaller in the bag than when his arms and legs were loosey goosey all over. The next cut is to a scene where you recognize that you're seeing the inside of a dump truck, and they're driving on some terrible country road because the camera is real shakey. And then you notice the orang. in the duffle bag with just his head out, and he's barely conscious, eyes half closed, body limp and shaking with the terrible movement of the truck. His body is over rubble that was left in the back of the dump truck and it's just this for 3 minutes. You wonder if that's the last three minutes of his life.

2. A beautifully lit forest area. Ancient trees surrounding a man standing with a chain saw with what looks like snow, but isn't because there is nothing else that describes the tremendous beauty of gravity sometimes. what's falling in this entire scene is a million leaves, and each one flutters like eyelashes!

I had to do some research for a film festival we're having. Forest films to be exact. I look forward to about 3 of them, the rest are mind-numbing narration, or over zealous shots of nature in action. Sometimes what they capture is amazing, but a montage of dramatic events is just too much, and narration makes me feel like they think I'm stupid- they spell everything out. The films I'm most looking forward to are Green, Conflict Tiger, and Man of the Soil, but this all won't happen until Dec.

It's the weekend! I have a lot of things I'd like to work on, but I'll also need to be getting for my next trip for work. Not a community forestry (CF) this time, but an event with 40 kids who will be writing and talking about nature. It's basically like nature camp but for young adults. I'm really looking forward to it because I'll get a sense of what the take is on CF from a much younger demographic.

I am back from my first community forestry trip! We went to Pred Nai in Trat, the most Eastern province of Thailand. It's a well-known community forest, one that I've read about too many times, so it was absolutely amazing to see it in person and meet the community in a personal context. I'm hoping to do several more trips there to write about a "story of change" for work. I met great folks who work as participatory researchers there, and they have been such a great resource in learning about the current stage of mangrove management and the challenges these communities face. Yes, I couldn't be more rejuvenated from the trip! More proof that this is what I must be doing.

Oh a sickening experience though: I had to take some pictures with a digital SLR. I actually thought it was something I could get use to, but then there were a few other people who took along their SLRS. While it's totally cool that other people love photography, I witnessed a method of taking photographs I could never partake in- one that was without consciousness. I couldn't bare it! Too much flash! Too much continuous shooting! And at times it really stood in the way of having a personal experience of a place and other people. That's when I don't agree with it at all. That's not my practice.

I saw some amazing photographs at work today (yes, day one at dream internship)... they were of the most amazing places with the most fascinating things that I too would like to document. I feel so so lucky that my most recent thought out dream is coming true. Regardless if I'm granted a Fulbright, it was an unbelievably empowering process, which led me to this opportunity. You're really put under the pressure to think about what you want for yourself and to put those concepts into words that you believe in. If you can see that far, you learn how to make it happen. It's just so crazy sometimes that you can get exactly what you want. For the next year, I get to do exactly what my heart and mind desires. I'll be diving into community identity through the meaningful responsibility found in the practice of community forestry. Photographing and traveling- learning, learning, and learning.

Fulbright is due in exactly two weeks! I have a lot to shape up in that time. Studying Thai as well. I found a lovely, lovely, lovely language partner. Everyone at work converses in English, which is kind of a down side for my Thai, but maybe I can listen to the Thai radio as I work. My family is really happy for me and they agree that everything is looking up. I'm getting use to how long it takes to get everywhere and I'm understanding why people don't pass time with reading on buses. I would like to try, but it's not worth missing your bus stop and having to walk in the dirty, diesel heat. So to sum up my lyfe:

ROSE
dream internship
good fulbright interview (i think)
getting fat on good food (approx 2 kg!)

BUD
a year's swimming pass for 7 dollars!
traveling for work
traveling for fun
having frrrriends! (i think this can actually happen)
getting film developed

THORN
mosquito bites

I feel like this is the life I know: excited about everything that is coming forth. This familiar feeling is my home.

i have, in my head, a lot of mental notes that i want to remember and share with everyone, but i always forget. something about my uncle doing something very funny. or maybe something i saw on sky train? something about how horrible the flooding situation is in thailand? ah, i think i thought about my mom doing something funny, or something she would do on sky train and it made me smile very big and miss her terribly. and flooding is expected in bangkok this weekend. water washing down from the north.

killed a roach today. medium size. one less roach in this building!

the more i read thai, the better i feel about walking around this town. i also got exposed to some amazing old thai music. i think it's beautiful and the stories are so poetic, tragic, and romantic. such as one song, น้ำตาแสงไต้, tears of light, an inauspiscious love story about a soldier who rows a royal boat into land, breaking the the boat. such consequences result in death, but the king excuses him and the man returns to say that he must die for his wrong doing. it is the law and if the king lets him go, others will do wrong thinking they do not deserve to be punished. the king kills him and the wife, who honors this decision, but cannot help having a broken heart. it's about the splendor and sadness of her tears, which sheds like a candle burning in the night.

i think i would love thai poetry. if only i knew more vocabulary... i think my situation with my confidence in my command of thai is very similar to what i experienced with my english in middle school, and then later, art, in college. i didn't have enough of a vocabulary to talk about what i was thinking or what i was feeling. it's so frustrating knowing that something very deep in you cannot be reached and shared with other people. no one in my family sees the point for me to learn thai beyond simple conversation. they're incredibly discouraging about it, how it's a waste of money, but the purpose behind my interest in learning thai is beyond a quantitative result.

it's fascinating how as an individual you will consider how much you've changed or grown, but in the eyes of your family, they consider you exactly the same, as if you are just how are you.



ah i remember what it is i wanted to say: i washed my clothes by hand the other day, but i must have done something wrong because each piece smells like a different kind of curry.

wish i had a camera:

aunt in the mango tree with pink rollers in her hair. pruning by axing the lower branches that did not produce fruit this season. right up in the middle of the tree. woke up to the sound of this and went outside and she laughed hard when i asked her what in the world was she was doing.

i dragged all the debris to our very long compost yard. chilis are getting ready to pick. bright red meaning very, very spicy.

fulbright campus interview tonight. keeping awake with game of thrones. ready? hmmm, we'll see. the questions could be about anything so i am prepared with little bits of information about everything. thai events, us events, brazil events, uk events.

one banana left from the plume of 9 that we started with yesterday. all me. two and half of those bananas are equal to one american banana.

I'm still collecting

The memorable people for me represent that vast population of young and old of every hue and origin who gave up comforts and convention to answer their conscience, who are guided by their moral compass to difficult challenges and who are determined to make a difference. They lived in the real world and they took responsibility for it. They did not attach themselves simply to a virtual experience and find satisfaction in a search engine. They were boots on the ground, hands in the dirt, nights in scary places, healing and courageous. They stepped into the unknown and they made it more welcoming for the rest of us.

"certified family forests" are all over the country

It's so nice to learn about photographers you've never heard about, especially a classic like Eliot Porter. His brother is also an amazing painter. Their family owned a private island in Maine, which was an inspiring residency for their work.

Back at the aunt's for a couple days. Enjoying the fresher air. Cramming in a lot of Thai. Learning beautiful words like ความร่วมมือ, which means cooperation but translates more literally into joining of hands. Quite fitting isn't it? Then you have words like ชุมชน, which means community, but translates into crashing rally. Very ominous actually. I also like the word ทะเลทราย, which translates into sea of sand (desert)!

I'm feeling more confident walking around this town speaking Thai, but I think I got too cocky and confused the girls at 7-11 when I asked them about how I could add minutes to my phone. I later found out that you're actually suppose to say, how can I add money to my phone. In my walks about town looking for an air conditioning mechanic I came across the most amazing mini plaza. You can't tell that it's a plaza because the entrance is but a tiny walk way next to a coffee stand. At first I thought, wow, this coffee stand is very popular, and very deep.... so many people are disappearing back there. I walked by a second time and noticed a sign for GYM and YOGA and decided to run back there- THE BEST THAI VEGETARIAN FOOD EVER. They have an amazing variety and affordable selection of yummies, including fresh squeezed juices and a giant bag of juiced wheatgrass for a dollar. They have dessert stores, music classes, language classes, yoga classes etc. What I've described is actually known as the Banana Family Park!

I think I may have potentially made a friend down the street! He works at this restaurant I like to go to where there is always the owner, an old chinese lady, sitting out front and a very fresh lady chef. This potential new friend said, you're not Thai are you? I laughed and explain that I'm almost Thai because my parents are. He continued to say I look Japanese. This is often meant as a compliment because for some reason Thai people think the Japanese are better.

Dream Internship (still unofficial) wants me to be a journalist/social media correspondant as in speak to Thai journalists, be a kind of representative, or face for community forestry. Yikes. Thai can be broken down into five different registers/social contexts, only one of which can I actually speak (street/common Thai), the rest, formal, religious, rhetorical, and royal Thai I barely understand myself. This is to be discussed, but everything else about the job seems very worthwhile as it underscores exactly what I want to do in my Fulbright project. I am taking deep big breaths because I think I may have already screwed up my chances with Fulbright. I hope my hard work and references will allow them to show mercy on me.

Green Behind the Ears - Kay Ryan

I was still slightly
fuzzy in shady spots
and the tenderest lime.
It was lovely, as I
look back, but not
at the time. For it is
hard to be green and
take your turn as flesh.
So much freshness
to unlearn.